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Standard Cycling Phrases

Posted by Gale Bernhardt on Feb 6, 2009 5:33:10 PM

As many of you know, I was in San Diego last weekend for the Endurance Sports Awards. On Saturday morning before the awards I went on the 7th Annual Klingensmith Commemorative Crash Loop Ride. The ride retraces the route where Rob Klingensmith had a nasty crash that broke his pelvis and did various injuries to cause bodily damage that kept him in the hospital for six weeks. Glad you

are healthy and riding strong, Rob.


When I returned home, I had a chance to chat with my old friend Steve Diggs. Steve lives in San Diego, but due to my busy schedule, I

didn’t get a chance to see him. We were chatting about group ride dynamics and that prompted Steve to send me a list of standard cycling phrases that made me laugh (thanks Steve.) Some of the riders on my San Diego ride definitely used the phrases and I could have used the translations:






I'm out of shape





Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and haven't missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your shorts. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.


I'm not into competition. I'm just riding to stay in shape.





Translation: I will attack until you collapse in the gutter, babbling and whimpering. I will win the line sprint if I have to force you into oncoming traffic. I will crest this hill first if I have to grab your seat post and spray energy drink in your eyes.


I'm on my beater bike.







Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using composites blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a human pass of gas and costs more than a divorce.


It's not that hilly







Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.


This is a no-drop ride.







Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing for the search-and-rescue dogs.


It's not that far.







Translation: Bring your passport


AND THE EVER POPULAR CLASSIC… "It’s about a three-hour tour.







Translation: Think Gilligan’s Island and check on your life insurance policy, being sure to leave a parting note to your loved ones.



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