We arrived in Johannesburg at around 6pm. I was having a private panic attack because it was starting to get dark. All I had heard about South Africa/Johannesburg is that it is very dangerous particularly after sunset. Anyway we were fine nothing happened to us. This caused me question if I should listen to all of the craziness that I hear before I go somewhere new. I was told I would love to Dubai. I hated it-not because of what happened while I was there. It was too artificial for me. By the information that I was given about Johannesburg, I should have been scared out of my boots! My safety was never in jeopardy.
Being in Africa was surreal. Although Egypt was in Africa I will still consider this as my first trip to the continent. I have always wanted to go, but I just figured it would be later in life. Like I have said before a huge part of being on the tour is not only playing the matches, but also getting to see the world and experiencing different cultures. This was truly special.
It was kind of like being in a European country in the sense that I felt like people were staring at me here. They only difference was that it was not little white European children staring-it was other black people old and young. They looked at me like I was an alien or something. Maybe they were trying to figure out if I too was African, but they were certainly trying to figure out something. There were a large number of women who wore their hair short. It caused me to have to take a few double takes. Particularly with the young girls, however I thought that was amazing. That takes guts and they wore it with pride. That would never happen in the states.
When the draw comes out you always hope for a good draw. This week I got one. I played a WC (wild card) in singles and in doubles. The weird thing is that I felt more nervous with this draw! Isn't this crazy? The same think happened in Shrewsbury England. I played a WC there and was soooo nervous in the morning before my match. Same thing happened here, expect the draw came out on Sunday I played on Monday, but didn't play singles until Wednesday. I had to anxiously wait for four days.
What did I tell you about WCs??? I had two tough matches. It is possible that I made them a lot tougher than they should have been. In singles I was up 5-1 then slowly I lost it. I got so tight and the game seemed to have just slipped away. 5-2, 5-3, 5-4 next thing I know I am in a tie breaker! How does that happen? I lost the first set. Went to the bench regrouped and got ready to play the second. Got off to a rocky start, but finished the set well and quickly. Again I was up 5-1 in the third set and it started to happen again! But this time I just barely managed to close it out. My slice and my serve won me that match! Who would have thought? After that match Kevin said to me "you don't have a killer instinct and I don't know if we can make you have one!" It is just so contrary to my nature. It is going to have to be a learned response because I can't continue to not close matches out.
Doubles was pretty tough too. We won 6-4, 6-3. The girls were a lot better than I expected. They had good serves. I don't think we managed to break them until the end of the first set.
My next singles match was against the number one seed Katie O'Brien ranked 120 from England. I lost the match 6-3, 6-3. I think I made forty unforced errors. YIKES. Some of those came from the fact that we were playing in altitude, the fact that I am playing with a new racquet, the fact that there was a wind storm and the fact that I am just a giant scaredy pants. The wind and the altitude are no excuse because everyone else is playing under the same conditions. The racquets we will talk about later! The real issue here is that fact that I cannot seem to get over my fear and just hit the ball like a normal person. Instead, I want to push. I want my opponent to miss. I don't want to win the point I want my opponent to lose the point. Now, we all know that as I continue to move up in the ranking and play better people that line of thinking is not going to work!
The scaredy cat was in full effect during out second doubles match... we won the first set 7-6, we were up 3-1 in the second they were ready to give the match to us. Kathrin and I both got tight and stopped going after it. She got tired because she had a really long singles match and I just did my usual-I got tight and afraid. We lost the match 11-9 in the third set tie breaker. We had them and they ended up winning the tournament. That is the most irritating thing ever. That should have been us, but we obviously didn't want it enough to take it.
I have been talking about the same thing for months and months. My question is when is the response going to change? Something has to change. I am so frustrated because I feel like I have not even come close to reaching my potential, but I am ranked 268 what is that about. It would be great if I felt like I was playing my best tennis and I have accomplished something. However, it feels lousy that I have made it this far with no game and very little confidence. I keep talking about doing something different stepping outside of my comfort zone, but it is time. I need it to change not only for my sanity, but also I want to reach my potential I have to change my mindset.
I figured out today that my ego doesn't want me to write the blog when I lose, because I feel ashamed and embarrassed. What do I have to be in embarrassed about? It is a game. Regardless of winning or losing I will try and get on top of writing the blogs more regularly.
On Tuesday Kathrin, Dennis (Kathrin's BF) Kevin and I went to the lion park. I had the best time. I think I have found my pastime/hobby. Photographing the animals was therapeutic. While the others had fun petting the cubs, I was enthralled with taking pictures of all the various animals. On several occasions everyone in the bus had to wait for me because I lost track of time taking pictures. They were all there twirling their thumbs while I was clicking away. All I wanted to do while I was in South Africa was see a lion and I did, so I accomplished what I wanted to while I was there.
I am now in Romania playing another 100K. I won my first match 7-6 6-2. I adjusted to playing on clay again better than I expected. Today, I got some where with getting over my fears. I am working on coming into net more and finishing the point that way. Today, I committed to coming in and it paid off. Let's hope I can keep up the good work.
Will write again soon! Until next time...
Megan Mouton-Levy
http://meganmoultonlevy.blogspot.com/
Supported by the Intercollegiate Tennis Association (ITA)


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