I guess it is obvious that I did not do well in Romania-gosh that seems so long ago... I lost my singles match 6-1 6-2! Yikes. I made 44 unforced errors... I don't think I made that many errors in 4 years in college! No just kidding. My goal is to become an all court player. That requires taking more risks than I am used to taking. I have to just keep plugging away with the knowledge that one day it will all come together.

The more I lose, the more I start to think-that may be the reason why all the losses are occurring, but that is a different story! I keep trying to compare what happened between in college versus what is happening now. I would like to think that I have figured out why I did so well in college. One of the reasons is because I could get away with pushing and never having to assert myself. No one could hurt me. My speed was too big of a weapon.

However, a large part of why I did so well is because I didn't have to think for myself. Most of the time Kevin was on my court telling me exactly what to do and when to do it. Now I have to figure it out all by myself. This shouldn't be so hard right? For some reason it is... The fear of Kevin was greater than anything else. Without him standing behind me pushing me to cross the boundaries every point I am left to confront my own thoughts, that often have very little to do with the game. What I have proven is that my fear wins. My fear of stepping outside of my comfort zone trumps my attempts to change my reaction. I have to commit with every ounce of my being to change this. It is all very scary, but if I can do it the rewards will be great. It will pay off not only in my tennis, but also in life-considering tennis is only a microcosm of life.

The morning before my doubles match I woke up early to go and hit serves and returns to find a groove before the match. When I was walking back from the club, I couldn't help but to think that I was the luckiest person alive. I visit new countries almost once a month and I get to spend my days outside doing what I love. It might have been because the night before Kevin and I had a long discussion about how people are never satisfied. Who knows why, but I was just looking around and thinking how grateful I am to have to opportunity to do this. I have to thank my mother, Natasha and Kevin who are so greatly committed to helping me achieve my goals and live my dream. Not too many people get the chance to experience life, so I am thankful.

I lost my doubles match 6-1, 6-2 which was horrible and mortifying, but who cares! It does no good worrying about it. The more I think, the worse I get. The harder I try, the further away I get. As Jeff said in his comment on last weeks blog "maybe you need to stop worrying about losing and just go out there and let it fly." This is my next challenge-to stop worrying so much and trying too hard, because they aren't getting me any where. If I think about the times that I was playing my best tennis, I wasn't beating myself up or trying to play perfectly or even trying to play a certain way. I was just in the moment. It was me and the ball that is it. As I have asked before how do I get there and remain there? I don't know the answer, nor do I know how to get there, but I do know I am on a path that will take me there... eventually

I am in Raleigh right now. Because I am so close to Williamsburg I have had the luxury of seeing a few familiar faces. It is nice to feel like I am close home. I don't play until Tuesday or Wednesday, but honestly all I hope is that I am at peace. Wish me luck I need it!

That was written a long time ago I just forgot to post it! So let me tell you what happened in Raleigh... It was not such a good time for me. I don't quite know what I looked like when I was playing, but it wasn't me. I took on the horrible attitudes and poor energy that is pervasive on the women's tour. I was hanging my head, there was no fight. I had hit the point where I was not having fun out there.

Everything was getting to me; the losing, the travel, the fact that I live out of three bags. It had worn me down and I didn't even know it. The week before I was thinking about how lucky I was and in a matter of few days I hated my life. I think it was due to fatigue.

Two good things happened in Raleigh. One was that Courtney was there with me. I guarantee that if she hadn't been there it would have been worse. She takes the pressure off of me. I feel at ease knowing that she is in the stands watching. The other good thing was that although I lost my singles match it was actually a really good match. I didn't do it perfectly, but I was swinging out hitting on my forehand. Trying to build and structure points. I won the first set and after I got up it all went away. The great thing is that for the first time I fought through it I didn't give in to just pushing and getting the ball in. I may have hit the fence a few times because I was going to be big, but it is a different response right?

I finished playing in Raleigh on Thursday and our plan was to go and sign in for the French Open which started on the following Wednesday. Of course there was a minor hitch in the plan... I was 6 or 7 out of a WTA in Warsaw and I got it. Now at that stage in the game I would have had to pay a huge fine to pull out of the tournament. All of you know that my cheap butt was not going to take a fine! So what did I do? I hopped on a plane on Friday to get to Warsaw to play Saturday by 3pm.

We used a miles ticket so thankful I was able to upgrade so that I could sleep a little bit-but I mean really at that point did it really matter? I was on a plane all night and was expected to play the next day. I don't care who you are no one can play under those conditions. No one can play with the crazy schedule that I have had... it has been tough.

Anyway back to Warsaw. I got in at 11.30-12. I stood at the baggage claim, racquets in hand just waiting for my bags to show up. 10 minutes passes I start to look around to see if other people who were on my flight were still there. 20 minutes passes still no bags... My thought was "This cannot be happening to me." I went to the desk ask them to check on my bags. I begrudgingly handed the man my claim hoping that he was would say Madame your bags are here, you just did not wait long enough! But of course that is not what he said... "Madame your bags are in Amsterdam and will not get here until 7pm." My first emotion was anger, then panic set in, determination my last thought. I had to figure out what to do.

I went outside where the people from the tournament were waiting to pick me up. I told them what was going on and after a quick laugh the driver and I were on our way to the mall. This was straight out of a movie. It was raining, he was speeding, we were trying to speak, but there was a major language barrier. In the end I got the worst looking outfit. My toes were crunched in the shoes that I bought, but they were cheap!!!!! The end to this weird and horrible story is that is rained all afternoon so I didn't even get to play that day.

As I said above I would have gone straight to France if I wasn't going to get the fine and Natasha and Romanda-Tasha's BFF (best friend forever)-were going to meet me in France, but since I had to go to Poland they changed their flights and came to Poland. My BFF is from there so we all stayed at her house with her parents and her brother. I think I could write a separate blog on the experience that we had with them. They are a one of a kind family so kind and giving. I don't think Natasha or Romanda have seen a city the way they got to see Warsaw. They were wined and dined. We got to hang out with the architects, aristocrats, and drunkards of Poland. It was fun.

What was not fun was my playing! Haha. Poland was rock bottom. I think I would have been better off playing the day before. Instead I played the next day. My BFF's brother and father were there, Natasha and Romanda were also there and I played horribly. I felt like **** out there. All I was thinking what am I doing here, I can't play. I suck I am never going to win, I can't win I can put a ball in the court. I felt pitiful, helpless, and hopeless. I wanted to just run away in the middle of the match.

Apparently, I looked exactly like I felt. Natasha and Romanda both said I looked like a mess out there. I didn't look like I was having any fun, my shoulders were so tight I looked like a hunch back. I looked pathetic. I have given up, just thrown in the towel. That is not me. I felt horrible because people flew across the world only to see me like that. I was disgusted and confused.

I think everyone was equally as confused. Natasha got to see what Kevin saw the week before. The common theme was that no one had seen me like that before. I think both of them were very angry and frustrated trying to figure out what was going on... Shoot I was trying to figure out what was going on. I had and still have so many thoughts in my head about all of this. No one knows what it feels like to start off a year thinking the world is your oyster and feel like you can kick anyone's butt. In January I didn't even think Serena had a chance against me:) To watch that crumble and feel like my great playing is slipping right threw my hands. The harder I tried to keep it the faster it would go away. I hit rock bottom in Poland.

We all left for Paris and met Kevin there. There were a lot of conversations-some of them very heated-about what is going on with my tennis. Everyone is trying to figure out whose fault it is, what had happened, how did it get this bad???? But in my mind none of that really matters anymore. We all need to come together as a team move forward. We need to figure out a system that works. That is very difficult because this whole tennis thing is trial and error. It is like playing a match, if something isn't working you have to switch tactics. Anyway I think we have yet to all get on the same page and I think that is something that needs to happen to move forward.

Going in to the day of sign in I was 40 out of the French, by the morning of sign in I was only 9 out. I didn't get in, but I was not as humiliated waiting as I was at the US Open! People just assumed that I was there playing doubles, which made my little pea brain feel better. Well if they all think I belong here than maybe I do belong here, that is what I was thinking. I mean how whack am I?

I used Paris as a mini vacation. Natasha, Romanda and Courtney were all there. I tried to figure out what feeling I was having and let go and have a little fun. Enjoy being alive for once instead of being bogged down with so many thoughts.

After Paris I went to Carson California to play a 50. I got lucky enough to get to spend the night in New York with my second mom Shirley and my nephew Joseph. It was some much needed family time. However, when I got to California I had to deal with the normal question "so where did you come from?" After I told them where there was one of two responses. Either it was "Why do you travel so much? Or "What is your ranking?" If I can fly my behind over there to sign in than why heck not?? But if I am too tired from all the flying than that is no good. Who knows what is right!

Something must have sunk in because although I lost first round in both singles and doubles, that was the closest thing I have played to fearless tennis in months! Of course I was finally back on hard court and I was allowed to use my biggest weapon. When I pushed off I actually went some where and didn't slip and fall! Playing on hard really makes a difference for me. I can get balls back and be an athlete.

I played Laura Granville in both singles and doubles. She played with Riza Zalameda and I played with Audra-the duo is back, we need a little time to get the mojo running again. Laura and Riza tore us apart. They played flawless tennis. Serves hit the exact place they wanted, we didn't stand a chance.

Singles was a different story. I lost 6-3, 6-1, but the score was not indicative of how the match was it. It was tight. I was in that match, I had her shaking. She is a fierce competitor. I tried to come in a few times and she could hit this crazy sharp angle backhand passing shot, or she would put a lob just out of my reach over my backhand side. She is a smart player, but I was in the match. My speed got to her, I hit winners with my forehand, came in a few time. My serve let me down, but when I got it in it was good!!!! Most importantly I had fun out there. I was myself smiling and loving the battle. It felt good. I shall overcome.

On a side note I might have also played well because my man Tony Duffy was in Carson taking photos and cheering me on. He is truly an artist you have to check out the pictures I post.

I am now on my way to the Bahamas to go to wedding of one of my old team mates. The next two weeks are mine to master my skills and be awesome. I love practice, I cant wait to get better. It is going to be a great two weeks.

I hope everyone is well and enjoying the start of summer. Until next time...:)

Megan Mouton-Levy

http://meganmoultonlevy.blogspot.com/

Supported by the Intercollegiate Tennis Association (ITA)

http://www.itatennis.com/

!http://community.active.com/servlet/JiveServlet/downloadImage/38-14314-8199/carsonduffy2.jpg!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I was supposed to be in the qualifying, but got into the main draw at the last minute. So I had a few days to get acclimated. The night that I got to Cairo I pulled up to the hotel it looked great. The lobby was sparkling it looked like any other five star hotel that I have stayed in. It was only in the next morning that I really saw what was up! I walked on to my balcony looked to the left and realized that the other wings of the hotel were not finished and there were bulldozers everywhere. The Dusit Thani was no where near being finished, but we stayed there with the construction and all. The club was also beautiful but like everything else in “New Cairo” it seems like it is half done and deserted. The people running the tournament asked with pride “How do you like the tournament?” I just had to lie through my teeth and tell them how great everything was. Apparently I was the only one who noticed that everything was only partially finished!

The practice courts were a bit of a mess. Everyone kept likening them to those yellow bouncy balls that people use to improve their movement. When you bounce it, it can not bounce at all, it can go to the left, to the right and for people of my height it could bounce over their head! Well playing on the practice courts was some what like that. There were rocks in the middle of the courts so if a ball hits one of them who knows what the balls would do.

The bounces were really the least of our concern though. Unlike most clay courts these courts sometimes did not leave a trace of the ball. The lines were also painted on so as soon as you touch them with your foot it rubbed off. By the end of some of the qualifying matches there was no baseline. No ball marks and an invisible line… it was a recipe for disaster!

Because I arrived early I decided that I needed to make a trip to the pyramids. I went with a girl name Nicole Rottman from Austria. We had one driver set up by the PR person at the tournament, but the ITF rep was at the hotel and there was basically a civil war between the two entities as to who was going to take us. It was all about the Benjamin’s though. Both of them just wanted to rip us off as much as possible.

I guess I thought it was going to be just me and the pyramids. The image I had in my head was that is was going to be some magically spiritual experience between the pyramids and me. I mean lets be honest it is major tourist attraction. I was quickly brought back to reality once I saw the masses of people from every where in the world and the Egyptian men trying to make a quick buck off of the all tourists. In perfected English accents they push “Camel ride camel ride?” They almost had me by asking me if all American women were made with such beautiful smiles. I was again jolted back to reality when Nicole said “they are just trying to get your money lets keep walking!” At 19 she is a tough little cookie! Between us I think they only say that to meJ

So now back to tennis or at least I will give you some incite as to what was running through my mind all those days that I had to wait to play. Here is goes. There is nothing stopping me besides my head. If I can find a way to release my body from my mind and use my energy instead of my mind to play tennis I think I would be a lot better off. What I mean by all of is that… I don’t know exactly what I mean. I just wish that I could play tennis without my mind intruding on the party. I want to be in a constant state of “in the zone”. No one thinks when they are in the zone. But how to you get there everyday? How do you not let your mind rain on the parade? That is the question and I guess the ultimate goal. Maybe the best in every sport—Rafa, Roger, Tiger, Jordan—I am sure they have managed to master this. But how do the rest of us do it? I am sure it isn’t a gift that was only given to those few people. We all have it we just need to learn how to access it.

I won a match finally! It could not have come at a better moment. It came at a time when I was at the edge and I needed a little something to hold on to. It was a decent win against a girl that I lost to in juniors eons ago. Anyway it was kind of a crazy match. The wind was blowing and the courts were bad—the resulted in people yelling in their native languages and nasty looks being shot across the court. I won the match 6-4 7-5. I was up 5-2 in the first and was up 5-4 in the second, I just couldn’t close it out….as usual. This time was because I hadn’t won a match in 3 or 4 tournaments. So naturally at crunch time I got tight. After 2.5 hours I finally pulled it off!

My next and final (final because I lost the match) was against the number one seed a young girl from Italy. I lost the match 6-4 6-1 and this score was in not indicative of the match. In 4 different games in the second set I had game points that I did nothing with. Really I played a lot better against this girl. It wasn’t as windy so you could sort have a regular rally. She yelled and threw her racquet, I stayed composed, but in the end she played well when it counted and I didn’t so that is all that really counts. However, I can honestly say that I am getting better at clay!

Laura Sigemund and I were seeded one in doubles. At first I didn’t know how I felt about that because as I have discussed before that means that there is a giant target on our backs. Towards then end of the tournament I started to like it! We won our first match 7-5 6-4. Both us—Laura and I and our opponents—were not really playing the match, we were playing the wind. I was tough to play in. No one was actually hitting their proper stokes we were all massaging the ball just trying to get it in the court. Anything more would have been too much in these conditions.

I don’t know if you guys remember “Come on YETS” aka my doubles partner Laura Sigemund. I talked about her in my blog about the Laguna Nigel tournament. Well she was back at it again with even more intensity this time. Our second round match we played the girl that I lost to in singles—the racquet throwing Italian—and her feisty (also Italian) partner. We could not have been more opposite. We are bouncing in between points, and running around the court screaming “Come on!” and such while they were either giggling or cursing in Italian. There was a really long break point going back and forth. We would close, they would lob and then dip and it went on for every until one of them hit a winner. One of the Italian girls let out a “Come on YETS” I about peed my pants. I wanted to laugh so badly, but I couldn’t we were in the throws of a battle! Anyway I played so poorly the whole match and finally redeemed myself in the tie breaker of the second set. We won 6-2 7-6

Our semifinals match was a doozy. It is not even really worth writing about. The girls we played either didn’t want to be there or had some where else to be because they tanked.

In the finals we played two very experienced players who stayed very composed and could do anything with any ball from the ground. I don’t think we played badly I just think they played better and we got a little emotional. We lost obviously but losing in the finals is better than losing first round. Not the best way to look at the situation, but for now it will do!

After a disappointing loss I laid down to rest my weary body and get ready for a long day travel to Italy when at 11pm my phone rang. It was Kevin he was already in Italy awaiting my arrival at 130pm the next day. He told me I was on the schedule to play in Italy at 11am the next morning and doubles 3rd on. At that moment I was in Cairo in my bed, Kevin was in Rome near to the airport, and I quickly put him on hold and called Natasha in a panic.

To be continued…. Don don DONNNN!

Megan Mouton-Levy

http://meganmoultonlevy.blogspot.com/

Supported by the Intercollegiate Tennis Association (ITA)

http://www.itatennis.com/

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2009

It was a great start to the year I got to the quarterfinals of singles and the finals of doubles at a 25k in Laguna Niguel California. I was not sure it was going to be such a great start because the week leading up to the tournament was spent admiring our new president and attending the many functions that were held in his name. Needless to say I did not get much sleep which is not good for ones tennis game.

I was especially weary of this week because I think I was seeded 2nd in the qualies. Now I am starting to tread into territory that I don’t like. There is a giant target on my back I much prefer to be the underdog. This was clearly evident in my first qualies match. She had nothing to lose and she played like it. She swung from the hip and for the first time in that scenario I was not nervous. It just took me set to get back in the rhythm of playing matches again. It had been a few weeks since I have played my last competitive match. In the end I won the match 7-5, 4-6, 6-3.

Unfortunately we had to play two matches in one day and I had to face another tough opponent next round of qualies. I had a very quick lunch and I was back out on court. I played a girl name Paula Zabala who used to be considered a “push” and back in the day I would had a tough time playing her. However, she drastically changed her game to one that suited my games style better. She is no longer a “push.” She looks to put people under pressure with time pressure. I made very few unforced errors and I may have been in the “zone”. I won 6-0, 6-2, but the score was not indicative of the quality of play.

Next day I woke up I was so sore I could barely move, our warm up was cut short. I knew I had to give it my all that day. The girl I played is an upcoming star. She works very hard, has a level of maturity that is usually not found in people her age, and she did very well in the tournament in India. I won 7-6, 7-5 in this case the score was indicative of the level of play. Normally at some point during a match I like to take a break. I take a mental vacation; my focus temporarily is some where else. As soon as I step on court it was clear to me that I wasn’t going to be able to that. If I gave this girl an inch she would take a mile. But I wanted to win. I wanted it badly and despite the fact that my body may have not been in tip top shape my mind was sharp. I fought the whole way through and it paid off.

Before I left the club I grabbed a copy of the main draw to see who I played. I remember being so happy when I saw the draw. I was going to play the third seed Sandra Zahlavova. If the name sounds familiar that is because I played her in the semifinals of India. I love revenge matches! Natasha used to say that she was more comfortable watching me play someone that I have already lost to in stead of someone new. It is rare that I lose to the same person twice, but this was even more special. There was a certain level of tenacity that was present in my game on that day. Instead of letting up while she cried I tighten my grip. I knew her dirty tactics and I was not going to fall for them this time!

Kevin watched my next opponent Liana-Gabriela Ungur play Lauren Albanese. She made no unforced errors and look as solid as gold. However, when she got on court with me it seemed like all of that had changed. I don’t give people the pace that they are used to and some times that throws them off. I was cruising. I won the first set at love. She took a medical time out and then everything came to a screeching halt. I couldn’t make a ball in the court. I went from 100 to 0 in the matter of minutes. I began to panic and then my biggest weapon—my feet—were lost. I lost the second set at love. It felt like it only took 10 minutes!

Now we were neck and neck two nervous ninnies. At this point in the match the looming question was who is going to get there act together in time to salvage the match? I can’t say that it was salvaged at all. I had to resort to handy tool of dig, run and pump my fist. Against girls who are mentally unstable it will work, but as I continue to climb my way up at the higher levels my bag of tricks turn into a disaster pack.

My quarterfinal match was against a girl named Chanelle Scheepers. She had just quailed for the Aussie Open and during the warm up I was having trouble handling her ball. The warm up and the thought of her qualifying for the open freaked me out. It triggered a belief that I could not win my match. I lost the match 6-4, 6-1. This was not for lack of fight or desire to win. But once your mind has made up that you can’t win it is extremely hard to win that mental battle. I have to stay one step ahead of my mind, because mine likes to play tricks on me. I could have won that match and she gave me chances, but I didn’t take them because my mind had already defeated itself.

Doubles was a spectacle in California. I played with a girl named Laura Siegemund from Germany. She is a fire cracker and would yell something that vaguely resembled “Come on YETS.” She would look at our opponents and scream this right in their face. The first couple times she did this I didn’t know if I should laugh or run off the court for fear that she would bite my head off! In the end I got used to it and tried to use it to our advantage.

Our draw was filled with people that I had already lost to. Like I said I hate losing to one person twice! Our first round match was against Fusano and Haynes. Audra and I lost to Fusano and Glatch in San Diego and that was by far the worse match that I had played. And over my dead body was I going to lose to either of them again! Thank god I played both of them that tournament. We played Glatch and Gradin in the semifinals and I played the best all round doubles that I have played since I turned pro.

But the most important match was our quarterfinal match. That was a college revenge match. We played Riza Zalameda and Anne Yelsey. Kat and I lost to Riza in NCAA in 2008. She put a halt to the unfinished business that Kat and I left unfinished! But it was my turn to shine. It was a nail biting match they we up, then we were up, but in the end we won 10-8 in the third set tie breaker.

The finals match should have been ours. I had a sitter overhead in the third set breaker that I should have put away and I didn’t. It haunted me for the next few days, but I am working on not trying to beat myself up any more. I guess I am scared of getting more complacent that I already am. I figure if I stay on top of myself I won’t let up. In order for it to be healthy I have to find a balance—once that I appreciate the progress that I have made and continue to make while still striving for more.

And with that we were off to Thailand to play my first WTA event. After a full 31 hours of travel we arrived in Chiang Mai. This is where Kevin’s father, uncle, aunt and two cousins live. We had the pleasure of spending a fun filled day with them before we headed to Pattaya for the tournament.

His family is truly something special. Anyone who knows me knows how close I am to my family. The way that I was brought up is that family is first. My mom has always dreamt about building a compound where she and all of her daughters could live. A place where we could all live separately but together. When I arrived in Chiang Mai I didn’t know that I was going to see my mother’s dream in rear life. I was speechless and almost brought to tears when I saw my mom’s dream in the making!

What was also really great to me was the fact that everything was done as a family. Kevin and I had to practice, everyone came with us! We went to visit the compound, everyone came with us. We went to Starbucks, everyone came with us. I got the feeling that this is just the way things worked here. They did everything as a family which I thought was pretty neat.

We did one more thing as a family. When we arrived all of them kept talking about a monk. The monk said this the monk blessed that. Kevin and I were thinking what is up with the monk!?!?!?!?!?!? A close friend of theirs is a monk. He is one of 3 monks who has been anointed by the king. All of you who know me, know that because of my mom’s influence I have a desire to expand and explore my own spirituality. I don’t know much about Buddhism or any other organized religion for that matter, but I can feel when someone energy resonated with mine.

Anyway I was allowed the amazing opportunity to meet this very special monk. I don’t know if I can describe to you how it felt, but it was one of the most profound moments in my life. There was a certain level of serenity in the room. I got the feeling that he could see right through me which was an exhilarating felling. I didn’t fell like I had anything to hide or anything be ashamed of as he peered into my soul. I almost got the feeling like he was telling me that I am doing the right thing, that I am on the right path. Mind you none of these words came out of his mouth—he doesn’t speak a lick of English—but I felt like that is what he was saying to me. He was quite taken aback by the fact that I am so small, but so strong. Who know what that means!

Tennis was not the highlight of the trip… I got sick (cold sick) on the day that I had to play and it was not pretty. The girl was good and I didn’t have the energy to fight the way that I needed to prevail. Given my limitation I thought I played as well as I could have. After the match I went to the room and dozed on and off for 5 hours until retired at 9pm and slept for 10 straight hours!

Doubles is not worth even discussing! It was a horrible disaster. As Kevin put it I have been dealt some great hands over the past 8 months. One bad hand won’t kill me, and that it won’t.

Now I am in Memphis Tennessee waiting to see if I will get into doubles of a WTA event. I find out in a few hours! Wish me luck.

Until next time—

Megan Mouton-Levy

http://meganmoultonlevy.blogspot.com/

Supported by the Intercollegiate Tennis Association (ITA)

http://www.itatennis.com/