Over the past 14 months my longing for Jimmy has not lessened but rather increased. I am now more fully aware of the enormity of his death and how it affects my daily activities and decisions. Jimmy's absence has developed a physical presence of its own, such that I am constantly aware of him not being here with me to enjoy my new discoveries and adventures. I wonder constantly what Jimmy would have wanted for me and his absence prompts me to consider his perspective with each decision I make in a more deliberate manner (more than I did when he was alive). This shift in my view point brings on a dichotomy of both pain and happiness. I constantly struggle with overcoming the pain of his absence with the daily reminder of how great our life was together.

Pain is a stimulus from Nature that change is necessary, therefore I must actively explore and uproot the cause of this void of Jimmy's absence before it metastasizes in a form that I no longer recognize. If you put a live lobster in boiling water it will try to leap out immediately. However, if you put the lobster in water at room temperature and gently bring it to a boil, it will not try to jump out of the pot but will get cooked. Many people when confronted with pain try to desensitize themselves in order to cope with their circumstances. Eventually they will get roasted in their suffering. The fear of failure or the unknown has allowed them to settle for less than what they are worth and they choose to remain trapped by their past decisions, rather than move forward and do what is necessary to live their best life and be happy. I have decided that I will unearth the hidden roots of this pain of Jimmy's absence and do what is needful to leap out of the pot. After all, if one chooses to stay at the bottom of the pot...the only question that remains is "Do you want melted butter or cilantro-chipotle-lime vinaigrette (LOL..a favorite of those who have attended my dinner parties)?"

Debbie's Box Score

Last race: NYC Marathon- November 2, 2008

Injuries to date: None

Highlight of January 2009:  Seeing the Soul of Shaolin on Broadway (http://www.soulofshaolin.com). Completely awe inspiring!!!

Training on February 2, 2009 included:

Strength training and stretching (60 min)

Unassisted Pull-up: Completed 1 and can't engage lats for the second without an assist from trainer. Pretty pathetic.

Assisted Pull-ups: Machine with counter resistance of 70 lbs, 3 sets of 8 reps

Abs: 50 bicycles (rotating twist to both sides is considered to be one cycle)

Plank hold after 50 bicycles: 1 minute 30 secs

Ramping (45 min)- Cardio class that is similar to traditional step classes but involves an incline plane to simulate movement uphill.

Power (60 min)- Circuit training class using free weights including chest press, chest flys, upright rows, dead lifts, squats, clean and press, more squats, tricep dips, bicep curls on one leg, and more squats. Right now the load is quite light. Focusing on getting the form right. Since we are not allowed to drop weights at our gym, doing the wrist rotation after an overhead press to set up for a row feels really awkward since it has become apparently clear that my extrinsic strength of controlling the weight after the press is non-existent. (My stability with each repetition is no better than a drunken sailor..LOL!). Let's just say there is a lot of room for improvement.

Current goals: (1) Increase body weight and overall strength. I would like to be 125 lbs by May 1, 2009. (2) Increase flexibility in my hip flexors and hamstrings to prevent re-injury of ITB. (3) Be able to do 5 pull-ups (chin above bar and no leg swinging to increase momentum) to win bet with brother-in-law by Labor Day weekend 2009. (That's right Tony...I will be coming to your He-Man Gym in Hotlanta to deliver on this promise so bring your wallet!! LOL!!!)

I have been waiting for this very moment to deliver Jimmy's ("SuperFang") last bucket wish of completing the NYC Marathon since he passed away on December 1, 2007. Coach Pilla and I had already discussed that Jimmy would have wanted me to enjoy the marathon and not re-injure myself (ITB injury in ATL and Philly races in September) trying to make his 5 hour race time. The problem is that I always deliver a promise and I would not be able to live with myself if I could not take Jimmy over the finish line in under 5 hours. Then I came up with an idea when I was admiring Jimmy's military uniform. I noticed that there were 6 medal pins/ribbons and thought "why take Jimmy over the finish line only one time but why not 6 times!!" That is how the SuperFang Dream Team was formed.

Introducing the SuperFang Dream Team (see attached picture, unfortunately I am blinking and in mid-smile...but I had to post the picture because the rest of the team looks great!):

1. Mahesh S. from Team Angels with Running Shoes wore Jimmy's achievement medal and placed #852 with a finishing time of 2:58 (6:49 minute per mile pacing). Mahesh was chosen because he is the fastest runner in my Princeton running group and he is the kindest and gentlest soul that I have had the pleasure of knowing and running behind (very...very far behind, haha). Mahesh reminds me of "The Flash" because when you are running with him and if you blink, you can't see him anymore because he is so far ahead of you.

2. Mark McG. from Team McGraw wore Jimmy's "Seize the Victory" pin and placed 5477 with a finishing time of 3:34 (8:10 minute per mile pacing). Mark was chosen because he is the fastest runner on Team McGraw (from his performance in the Philly half) and since he was in the Navy would be able to honor Jimmy's competitive spirit and camaraderie.

3. Jeff M. from Team McGraw wore Jimmy's Civil Affairs pin and placed 33091 with a finishing time of 5:24 (12:23 minute per mile pacing despite feeling under the weather.) Way to finish strong...YGB Jeff!!! Jeff was chosen because Jimmy was really caring and charismatic...just like Jeff.

4. Diane B. from Team McGraw wore Jimmy's Civil Affairs pin and placed 33800 with a finishing time of 5:31 (12:39 minute per mile pacing). Diane was chosen because she ran last year's NYC Marathon for Jimmy when he lost the ability to walk due to tumor growth in the cerebellum and fourth ventricle. We all know how much Jimmy loved Diane.

5. Jen McDev. from Team McGraw wore Jimmy's Civil Affairs pin and placed 34354 with a finishing time of 5:38 (12:39 minute per mile pacing while on chemo). Jen was chosen because Jimmy was looking forward to meeting her during last year's NYC marathon. Jen was the only person Jimmy knew who had a brain tumor and despite being on chemo had the courage to enter and finish marathons. Oh, I failed to mention that Jen also finished the Chicago marathon a few weeks ago during an 80 degree heat wave while on chemo. Jen personifies Jimmy's unstoppable determination to live life to the fullest despite having a brain tumor. YGB Jen!!!

6. Last of all there was me who really does not deserve to be on the same list with these seasoned runners. I wore Jimmy's Civil Affairs pin and placed 353938 with a finishing time of 6:04 (13:55 minute per mile pacing). I am happy that I finished my first full marathon with out any injuries. I am known for my "Philly slide" due to an ITB injury during the Philly half-marathon in September, and I promised Coach Pilla that there was not going to be a "NYC shuffle". I stuck to Coach Pilla's run/walk protocol (run 8 minutes and briskly walk for 4 minutes, repeat) to prevent any re-agitation to my ITB. I timed my brisk walk to coincide with the water/Gatorade stations since that area was really really slippery (ankle graveyard).

Many thanks to the SuperFang Dream Team for taking Jimmy on your journey across the finish line!!! This victory was 6 times sweeter because of your participation. You have selflessly honored Jimmy in a way that I will always remember and keep close to my heart. Thanks for sharing this beautiful moment with me. Since Mahesh and Mark delivered Jimmy's race time in well under 5 hours, I will now share with you how I enjoyed my first NYC marathon.

Runner's Village

It was a brisk dark morning when the bus dropped Team McGraw off at the Runner's Village before 6 am in Staten Island. The wind was really picking up and without the sun being out, the wind was biting...you know the kind of cold that sticks to your bones. Our race start time was after 10 am and I had no idea how we were going to survive the cold and not allow our muscles to cramp up. Coach Pilla told me to bring a large trash bag with a hole cut in the bottom and put it over my head and to make sure that my body was covered. Although this sounded crazy to me (why would I want to wear a trash bag when I was already wearing fleece to stay warm), I always listen to my Coach and brought the trash bag since he said it was ESSENTIAL.

When I arrived at the spot where my team camped out for the next 4 hours, I could not help but watch everyone pace around trying to keep warm or huddle together wrapped in fleece. It was like watching a group of strong stallions cooped up in a corral anxiously waiting to be released to hit the pavement. At that time I did not see any of my team members wearing trash bags, but when I looked to the left of our group there was a whole group of runners from Finland that was wearing trash bags over there running suits. So I put on my trash bag and finally understood why Coach Pilla wanted me to wear this ugly plastic thing. The plastic garbage bag is non-porous and does not allow the wind in. Gotta love Coach Pilla!!! I had offered an extra trash bag to a member of our team who was clearly not warm. Although, he respectfully declined (I found it very amusing when I saw him wearing a trash bag two hours after my initial offer...pretty boys...lol).

Coach Pilla, the trash bag method was very effective in blocking out the wind, but I found a better method of keeping warm before the race. That is when I met Beatrice, a kind-hearted woman from El Salvador who was nestled deep in a sleeping bag. Beatrice had children older than me and has been running marathons since the 1980s. Beatrice looked at me pacing/hopping around to stay warm and said, "Mija you are cold, don't be shy...come in". Now I am not the type of woman who would jump into a sleeping bag with a perfect stranger, so I took my time and thought long and hard about it. About 5 seconds after Beatrice's offer, I hopped into the warm toasty sleeping bag (haha!). We both huddled up, talked, laughed, and did Sudoku puzzles to pass the time away. I felt Jimmy's presence really strong, because we all know how much he loved Sudoku...spooky! Beatrice, muchas gracias por cuidar de mí y me de mantenimiento de calor!

Getting to the Start Line

Now when Mikey T. from our team told me where to drop off my bag (containing warm clothes for after the race) at the UPS truck in Runner's Village, I don't think he realized that I am the girl who leaves the mall and can't find her car in the parking lot. With over 30,000 people at Runner's Village, I became disoriented and could not find my way back to the team site. I know that we have a GPS chip on our sneaker to carry us through the finish line, but I guess I also needed a GPS to find my group back at the lot. haha. Many thanks to team members Mikey T., Tona sisters, and Diane B. for finding me so quickly. Thank God for runners who carry cell phones for emergencies or I may have never made it to the Start Line.

The Race that Separates the Winners from the Whiners (see attached map)

As our group moved forward from the Corral towards the Verrazano Bridge, you can feel the surge of anticipation and excitement (after all...we have been waiting for more than 4 hours to hit pavement.) Right before the bridge, all you see are runners stripping off their outer layers of clothes and tossing them to the side of the road. I heard that there is an organization that picks up the clothing for homeless shelters. I ran on the top level of the Verrazano and the view was stunning. The first 3 miles went by so quickly, probably from pure adrenaline. As I entered Brooklyn, I soaked up all the energy from the crowd and the bands playing. I can not count the number of children that I high-fived as I enjoyed the diversity and warmth of the neighborhoods.

My family and friends subway hopped, and it was really cool to see them at different points of the course, cheering for me and holding up a sign that said "We love you Debs!" (see attached picture). Many thanks Dad, Mom, Krystal, Andy, and Helen! The marathon would not have been the same with out all of you there.

I met the most amazing people on the course. There was Christian, who was legally blind, and was being guided on the course by his team. YGB Christian!!! There was Debbie from Texas, who was running the race despite being on chemo for breast cancer. YGB Debbie!!! There was Matt, who ran in full fireman gear. When I asked Matt why he was dressed in full gear he laughed and said, "that the marathon would be too easy for him". YGB Matt!!! I also had the opportunity to talk to members of the Japanese team and Italia team. I ran with Fiona from Ireland for about 12 miles. Everyone was committed to finishing the race. No excuses. All the runners were giving their very best. I can not explain in words what it feels like to be surrounded by more than 30,000 winners. It was an absolute privilege to be surrounded by true champions.

Mile 20- Why can't I feel my feet hit the pavement anymore?

As I entered the Bronx at mile 20 the aches and pain began to feel good?..and eventually all feelings of discomfort subsided into the background. All I could hear was the crowd and the beating of my heart, as I focused on taking deep breaths...in and out every fifth step (my pilates instructor was right...in the end it was the breathing and my core strength that would get me through the last 13 miles). As time passed, I don't remember my feet hitting the ground. I just focused on moving forward. I guess my legs just followed. I felt pure joy. It is like being in a place where nothing bad can happen to you-a place where only good exists.

The Finish Line

The last 0.2 miles was definitely the most grueling part of the race for me. "Italia" and I had managed to keep pace and support one another for the last 3 miles. As I saw the finish line, I caught a glimpse of Coach Pilla (who was coordinating the finish line and on the medic team). As I sprinted through the finish line with all that was left in me, I became humbled with emotion as tears started to flow. I hugged Coach Pilla overwhelmed with a feeling of bliss and peace that I have not felt since Jimmy was alive. When I first started running after Jimmy died 11 months ago, I ran to numb the pain of coming home to an empty house and a life without him. Then somewhere in the middle of my training, I ran to honor all those who could not run and for all those who lost loved ones to brain tumors. I now have a greater appreciation for having a healthy body and the gift of movement. As I crossed the finish line with Jimmy's medal, I finally understood why he loved me. I think what makes the NYC Marathon magical is that is brings together the very best of humanity. No matter what country you come from or what challenges in Life you are facing, we have all united to walk 26.2 miles is each other shoes. Thank you for coming out NYC and giving all of us runners the Ultimate Standing Ovation!!!

Foley's Victory Party

Many thanks to Genvieve and the crew at Foleys for a warm welcome and hosting a great victory party for Team McGraw. I really enjoyed spending time with my teammates and feel honored to have met more warriors in the fight against brain tumors. It was a privilege to be apart of a team of such courageous and inspiring people.

Many thanks to the friend who took Susan and me out to shoot pool at Slate's after the victory party. Sorry, I don't remember your name but since we talked about S.E. Hinton books, I will refer to you as Two-Bit. To be honest with you, since Jimmy passed away I have focused solely on my work and publications, planning Jimmy's Memorial, learning how to run and train for the NYC marathon, helping members in CNJBTSG, attended 4 funerals for support group members that ended there battle with brain cancer, lobbying in DC for S.2102 to pass, and fundraising for several brain tumor organizations in search of a cure. Many thanks, Two-Bit!! Shooting pool at Slate's reminded me that I have not spoken to or spent any time with my old friends who do not have brain tumors in the past 13 months. Thank you for being a gentleman and walking me back to my hotel. I thought you were hilarious and had a good time, even though the night did not end the way you wanted it to. As I entered my hotel room alone, and submerged my legs in a well-deserved ice bath, shivering with towels wrapped around my shoulders drinking a hot cup of tea, I thought to myself, "Huh...not bad for a Sunday!"

Debbie's Box Score

Last race: NYC Marathon- November 2, 2008

Total miles run for October 2008: 38 on land, approximately 46 miles in the pool

Injuries to date: None

Current challenges: (1) Maintaining body weight of 115 lbs. I would like to be 125 lbs by Jan 1, 2009. (2) Increasing flexibility in my hip flexors and hamstrings to prevent re-injury of ITB.

Lesson learned from NYC marathon 2008: "It's not the time you finish in, it's the TIME YOU HAVE WHILE FINISHING that's important!"-Unknown author but told to me by Eddie V. from my Saturday morning running group (who makes the best blueberry pancakes and team breakfast on the East Coast!!)

Next race: Since I already participated in 3 races with in the last 2 months, I think my parents will freak out if I do another race before Thanksgiving (best wishes to all of the friends running San Antonio on November 16! I will be cheering you on in Spirit!) So I am going to take a break from long distance running to gain some weight, build more muscle, strengthen my core, and increase my flexibility over the next two months.

So what's the next adventure? Anything I want, because the only certainty between birth and death is the passion and adventure of "playing the game of Life" with an open mind and an even bigger heart. I am grateful that Jimmy found his place in the world, before he had to leave it. I learned from Jimmy's death and the aftermath of grief that followed how to continue to enjoy my life like each day was my last...always giving my very best and sharing joy with others. This lesson in overcoming grief is perhaps a final and necessary training for all of us with families and long term relationships. Some how we get through it and maybe that is all we can hope for. That understanding, bitter as it is, is yet another one of the many gifts Jimmy has given me.

The Central NJ Brain Tumor Support Group (CNJBTSG) had 42 members that participated in the 3rd annual Have A Chance Walk to Fight Brain Tumors held at Battery Park in New York City.  Although it was a very rainy day, the weather could not break the spirit of our brain tumor survivors.  There were about 1300 walkers and more than a $500,000 in donations were raised to improve the quality of care for brain tumor families.  I had some nostalgic moments meeting old friends and new group members.  This was the first year that I attended the Walk without Jimmy "SuperFang".  I remember attending the first Have a Chance Walk that was held on the Brooklyn Bridge in October 2006, because we were celebrating Jimmy's 1 year survival battling GBM grade IV. Who would have known that our SuperFang would lose his ability to walk the next year due to tumor progression in the spinal fluid and cerebellum. Attached below is a picture of the SuperFang team from the Have a Chance Walk 2006.

Thank you all for making the Have a Chance Walk such a success!   Dennis Roth would have been proud.  I was honored to be a part of a special day that celebrates brain tumor survivors and angels.  Attached is a picture of CNJBTSG members that participated in the Have a Chance Walk 2008.

The U.S. 10K Classic is a challenging 10,000-meter (6.2 mile) race starting at Cumberland Mall and traveling along U.S. Hwy 41 (Cobb Parkway), ending at White Water/American Adventures Theme Parks.  The race is held on Labor Day and the proceeds fund local childrens' charities in Georgia.  There were a little over 15,000 supporters that entered the race and the crowd was great showing true Southern hospitality. This was my first timed race and I placed 2758 (13:00 minute per mile pace).  Last year, Jimmy ran the Cobb race (in preparation for the NYC Marathon 2007) and placed 1005 running an 8:26 minute per mile pace despite having a GBM IV brain tumor and being on 18 consecutive cycles of chemo.  I think that we all have concluded that Jimmy was a meta-human.  I have attached a picture of Jimmy "SuperFang" during the September 3, 2007 Cobb race. Who would have known that this was going to be Jimmy's last race.  The aggressive growth of his GBM into the cortex and 4^th ventricle caused two grand mahl seizures that would first take away his ability to walk in October 2007 and result in his passing in December 1, 2007.  When Jimmy ran the Cobb race 2007, he was 148 pounds of muscle and the tumor gutted him to 92 lbs during the last two months of his life due to the lack of drug treatments available.  I hate tumors!  The picture at the Cobb race is the way I will always remember Jimmy: Strong, Fearless, Determined, and Passionate. 

During the Cobb race 2008, I experienced my first sports-related injury.  The race is mostly uphill and 4 miles into the race I tripped (but did not wipe out) on a raised clear plastic light reflector on the highway causing me to tweak my right hamstring.  Although my right hamstring and right ITB felt sore, I still finished the race but could not maintain my 12 minute per mile pacing.  There was a man in his 50s who was pushing a baby carriage running next to me and I had to finish the race before him (Ego...I know). 

Debbie's Box Score

Last race:  U.S. 10K Classic Atlanta- September 1, 2008

Total miles run for August 2008:  86 miles on new Asics

Injuries to date:  Mild sprain on Right hamstring and Right ITB (ilotibial band).  Followed RICE (rest, ice, compression, and elevation) protocol for 2 weeks but continued pool work to keep up cardio.  Pain-free on September 14^th and continued training with short runs.

Cross Training prior to injury: Strength/weight training (Mon & Wed), Pilates and Yoga (Tues & Fri), Boxing (Sat), Tennis lessons/league (Sat/Sun), and Cycle (Sun).

Planned Cross Training after Right ITB injury:  My quads are a lot stronger than my hamstrings.  Even though I stretch thoroughly before and after runs, need to focus on strengthening hamstrings and improve flexibility of ITB.  Was recommended to incorporate dead lifts. 

Current challenges:  (1) Maintaining body weight of 115 lbs.  Need to reduce cardio by eliminating tennis and boxing until after the NYC Marathon.  Will pick up 4.0 singles and mixed doubles league Winter 2009- sorry Johnny H.  Need to increase daily caloric intake to 3000 by supplementing with Ensure Plus. (2)  Prior to injury, right leg slightly bends inward while running.  Need to be conscious of this slight overpronation in my gait.

Lesson learned for NYC marathon 2008:  Do not run on or near the white dashed lines on the highway where light reflectors are located.

Next race (if right ITB is pain-free):  Philadelphia Distance run (13.1 mi)- September 21, 2008