Over the past 14 months my longing for Jimmy has not lessened but rather increased. I am now more fully aware of the enormity of his death and how it affects my daily activities and decisions. Jimmy's absence has developed a physical presence of its own, such that I am constantly aware of him not being here with me to enjoy my new discoveries and adventures. I wonder constantly what Jimmy would have wanted for me and his absence prompts me to consider his perspective with each decision I make in a more deliberate manner (more than I did when he was alive). This shift in my view point brings on a dichotomy of both pain and happiness. I constantly struggle with overcoming the pain of his absence with the daily reminder of how great our life was together.
Pain is a stimulus from Nature that change is necessary, therefore I must actively explore and uproot the cause of this void of Jimmy's absence before it metastasizes in a form that I no longer recognize. If you put a live lobster in boiling water it will try to leap out immediately. However, if you put the lobster in water at room temperature and gently bring it to a boil, it will not try to jump out of the pot but will get cooked. Many people when confronted with pain try to desensitize themselves in order to cope with their circumstances. Eventually they will get roasted in their suffering. The fear of failure or the unknown has allowed them to settle for less than what they are worth and they choose to remain trapped by their past decisions, rather than move forward and do what is necessary to live their best life and be happy. I have decided that I will unearth the hidden roots of this pain of Jimmy's absence and do what is needful to leap out of the pot. After all, if one chooses to stay at the bottom of the pot...the only question that remains is "Do you want melted butter or cilantro-chipotle-lime vinaigrette (LOL..a favorite of those who have attended my dinner parties)?"
Debbie's Box Score
Last race: NYC Marathon- November 2, 2008
Injuries to date: None
Highlight of January 2009: Seeing the Soul of Shaolin on Broadway (http://www.soulofshaolin.com). Completely awe inspiring!!!
Training on February 2, 2009 included:
Strength training and stretching (60 min)
Unassisted Pull-up: Completed 1 and can't engage lats for the second without an assist from trainer. Pretty pathetic.
Assisted Pull-ups: Machine with counter resistance of 70 lbs, 3 sets of 8 reps
Abs: 50 bicycles (rotating twist to both sides is considered to be one cycle)
Plank hold after 50 bicycles: 1 minute 30 secs
Ramping (45 min)- Cardio class that is similar to traditional step classes but involves an incline plane to simulate movement uphill.
Power (60 min)- Circuit training class using free weights including chest press, chest flys, upright rows, dead lifts, squats, clean and press, more squats, tricep dips, bicep curls on one leg, and more squats. Right now the load is quite light. Focusing on getting the form right. Since we are not allowed to drop weights at our gym, doing the wrist rotation after an overhead press to set up for a row feels really awkward since it has become apparently clear that my extrinsic strength of controlling the weight after the press is non-existent. (My stability with each repetition is no better than a drunken sailor..LOL!). Let's just say there is a lot of room for improvement.
Current goals: (1) Increase body weight and overall strength. I would like to be 125 lbs by May 1, 2009. (2) Increase flexibility in my hip flexors and hamstrings to prevent re-injury of ITB. (3) Be able to do 5 pull-ups (chin above bar and no leg swinging to increase momentum) to win bet with brother-in-law by Labor Day weekend 2009. (That's right Tony...I will be coming to your He-Man Gym in Hotlanta to deliver on this promise so bring your wallet!! LOL!!!)
