What more can I say? I haven't been running nor doing much of anything these days. It's hot. So hot. And I am lazy. So lazy. I keep waiting for the day when I magically feel good, excited, energized all the time. I know, I know, I need to manage my expectations a little better.
I did complete the NC Triangle Race for the Cure at the end of June. Luckily my sister was running with me or else I might have just sat down on the curb and cried. Little sister taught me a VERY valuable lesson that day: it's hard for EVERYONE. I was whining and complaining about how hard it was for me to run - it's hot, I'm fat, blah, blah, blah. She totally called me out. She made me realize that it is hard for everyone one and unless and until you push past that mental barrier, you're never going to make it.
All this time, I was thinking how special I was, how it's extra hard for me because I'm me. Turns out, even my peppy, skinny, cheerleader-shorts wearing little sister has a hard time getting through the race. Who knew? I honestly thought that other people had it easier than me. When I saw skinny people running down the street, I just knew that they were happily, effortlessly jogging along with songs in their hearts and smiles on their faces. Sure, running with all this weight on me is hard - probably a lot harder for me than for her - but it's not the only thing that makes running hard. I was blind but now I see! With her voice in my head, I registered for another 5K. She might not be able to make it to this next one, but I'll be hearing her voice the whole time.
I swam today for the first time in a really long time. My entire body feels like a cross between Jell-O and overcooked pasta. While it's an icky combination on your dinner plate, I have to say it feels pretty good.
After Wednesday's disaster, I decided to try running in the mornings instead of the evenings. Yesterday was a walk day for me, so I rode 10 miles on the expresso bike and did the weight circuit. This morning I got up and hit the pavement. I didn't get up early enough to finish my 34 minutes of walking/running and go to the meeting, so I only got half my walk/run in. But it was a great run. I feel good about it again.
I weighed in and I'm down 3.6 pounds this week! To be honest, I've been losing and gaining the same 5 pounds since I went back to WW in November, so while I'm feeling good about the loss, I'm focusing on keeping OP today more than anything. I've always let Friday be a cheat day, which has actually worked well in helping me stay OP, but the past few months, I've let Friday cheat day turn into a weekend-long event. Not this weekend, though. I've worked hard this past week and seen the results on the scale. I want to do it again this week and have another good loss at WI next week.
Monday is my next walk/run day. I don't work on Mondays, so I'll have plenty of time to run Monday morning. Wednesday I'm just going to have to get up 20 minutes earlier.
I feel terrible tonight. I just started day 1 of week 3 and I couldn't even finish my walk/run intervals. I got cramps, my feet hurt, I thought I was going to throw up. Remember that scene in Shag when Pudge and LuAnne are driving away from Pudge's house and they throw the Metri-cal out of the car? (if you don't remember or have never seen it, shame on you - put it in your queue RIGHT NOW!) Well, "Yuck, yuck, yuck."
I just felt like I had no energy after a while. I did walk for 4 miles (well, about 1.5 of that was walk/run), but when I got home, I sat down at the kitchen table and waited for the room to stop spinning.
I felt so good after Monday's run, like I was on top of the world. Tonight I am the soap scum that has built up around the bottom of the world.
I skipped three days of training. I didn't walk on Thurday because I had to work late. On Friday, I chose to go out to dinner with my husband instead of run. Of course, I could have gone in the morning before work or at lunch time, but everything else was more important and I so did not feel like running. Saturday was a rest day, so I was justified in doing nothing. And Sunday was a walk day, but I didn't feel like doing that, either. After all, it had been days since I'd run and my knees and feet weren't hurting. And gained 3 pounds last week, so naturually I should sit around and eat and drink all weekend, right?
This morning I did my walk/run, day 7 of week two. Before he left for work this morning, my husband asked me when I was going to start running outside, reminding me that the treadmill is just not the same thing. I knew he was right, but I am far too lazy to run outside today after four days off. Well, I dropped him off at work and went and got my coffee and bagel, as is my Monday morning routine. I was going to go striaght to the Y, but we needed milk, so I stopped at the store first. Of course I had to go back home, then, since I had milk that needed to be put away.
Funny thing happened on the way home from the store. I realized that I NEEEDED to run today. I NEED to be able to do this. So I came home and put the groceries away and was getting ready to go to the Y when I realized that I only had 1 hour before an appointment. I'd never be able to make it to the Y, run, shower, and get dressed and still make it to my appointment on time. What to do, what to do...
Ok, I'll tell you what I did...I RAN OUTSIDE!!!! It felt great!! It was a little harder than the treadmill, but some how so much better. I don't know exactly why, but it just was.The comments and stares I was worried about? Well, I was too busy focusing on what I was doing so as not to trip to notice if anyone was staring. Plus I was rocking out my running mix on the ipod, so I couldn't really hear anyone laughing/sniggering/giggling. But one person did make a direct comment - an older lady was driving down the street and she rolled down her window and waved at me, so I removed an ear bud. She said, "so proud of you, so proud." Wow. Maybe I will inspire her to take a walk later.
I've felt really good all day long. I wonder, now, why I forgot how good I would feel when I was finished and why I thought it was reasonable to not exercize for four days. The longer I put it off, the worse I felt, physically and mentally. I didn't count points, ate way too much, napped a lot, and barely moved. I was so down on myself, feeling huge, tired, and worthless. I even made an appointment with an eating disorders counselor at the height (or bottom) of my despair. Maybe I'll keep the appoint, but I definitely won't skip another run, it really helps keep those monsters at bay.
So, today is day 1 of week 2, a walk/run day. I was so not interested in running today, but I dragged myself to the Y anway. Since it wasn't too hot today, I was going to take my walking buddies to the lake for a few miles, but the little one was "surgically altered" today and in no shape for walking about (the big one, poor thing, got no walk at all this evening due to little one's infirmity). Ok, back to the Y...I made myself go and I made myself step up on that treadmill. I started walking at a 2.5, just knowing that best I was going to be able to do today was make it to a 3.0, and wondering where all my enthusiasm for this running thing went. Surely I was wrong about this being a good idea. I mean, I weight a lot. A LOT. And jogging is hard work in this body. But I'd started, so every minute I pushed up my speed until I was walking at a good pace, and after 5 minutes, went into my jogging intervals. I was miserable. For a while. Then I started to visualize myself running a 5K and my utter hatred for what I was doing began to fade. A little. I was ready for every walking interval when it came up.
But then, I REALLY started to see myself. The race I have in mind starts on the west bank of the river at the USS North Carolina, crosses the bridge, then doubles back to the starting point. I could literally see myself, 100 pounds lighter, running over that bridge. I saw the river under my feet beneath the bridge, I saw the transition from the drawbridge grates to the pavement, then where the bridge meets the road, making the curve, running into the Battleship parking lot. I saw my husband waitig for me at the battleship. I saw myself finishing that race.
And then before I knew it, my time was up. I'd completed the session. I felt so good that I went and did the weight circuit.
For anyone out there doing WW, I have recently discovered Fiber One Bars. I confess to seeing Bob give them to the contestants on The Biggest Looser and trying them because Bob said so...another victim of product placement. Last weekend, we went to Raleigh where we have a condotel. There's a mini-frige and a microwave, so there's no cooking going on in there. I stood in the grocery store pondering breakfast options and decided to look for Enteman's cereal bars. I don't know if they make them anymore (they've always been hard to find, so maybe they're still out there), but they didn't have any at the Food Lion. I stood in the grocery store with my points tracker out comparing cereal/breakfast bars. There are some innocent looking things out there with points values that would really surprise you. For some of those things, I could have had an egg mcmuffin. And I'd so rather have an egg mcmuffin than a cereal bar. Anyway, I picked up the box of Fiber One bars for comparison and they won out just based on points. I got the apple strudel bars for 2 points apiece. They are delicious and are going to make it into my regular grocery list as desert items. They have 9 grams of fiber, and I'm here to tell you that between the Fiber One bars, Activia, and running, I'm as regular as a girl can be.
Now, about running shoes. I just bought a new pair of Asics (Enduro, I think) and I'm not really liking them so much. I bought a pair of Adidias about 4 years ago that I just loved - my feet never hurt in them, but I'd worn them out and the arch in my right foot was starting to hurt when I ran. So I sprang for this new pair; they felt light and comfy in the store, but the arch pain is still there and they seem to pinch my toes, too. I do have a wider foot, and apparently some sort of arch issue as well. Any shoe tips/suggestions/ideas are appreciated.
Today is day 7 of week 1, and I'm proud to say that I've met my goal every single day! We went out of town over the weekend and Friday was a walk/run day. I took advantage of my YMCA "away" privileges and jumped on the treadmill. I've been worried that all this treadmill training will spoil me, so I set the incline to 1 in hopes of counter-acting the advantage I get from the machine. I finished just fine and felt great! So Saturday was a rest day and Sunday was a walk day. I'm really good at resting, so that was a snap, and Sunday I took my dogs on a good 30 minute walk around downtown. Yesterday was a walk/run day, which turned out to be hard for me. I finished, but I struggled through it. My shins were tight, my feet hurt, and I felt pushed even on my walk intervals. But I finished it all without cheating. (Interesting side bar about cheating - it took me a long time, but I've finally realized that I'm only cheating myself and not actually gaining anything from it. So I've (mostly) quit cheating on things like jogging all the intervals and county all the points.)
I was disappointed at how hard it was to get through yesterday, but I think it was just because I'd had two days in a row of not running (just to clarify, I'm using the words run and running loosely and rather generously, it's really a slow, slow jog). Today is a rest day and then Wednesday is a walk/run day, and hopefully it won't be such a struggle. This week is a repeat of last - run 1 minute, walk 2, so I know I can do it!
Now, about running outdoors - I'm nervous. Maybe next week. As part of this WW challenge, I'm supposed to complete a 5K at the end of the 8 weeks of training. I've signed up for the Komen Race for the Cure on June 13 and plan to run as much of that as I can (though I signed up for the noncompetitive race, which has thousands of walkers/joggers/babies in strollers), so I need to get outside at some point. I just don't want to put all that jiggle on display just yet.
They say the longest journey starts with just one step. Or something like that. Tonight I took my first step. I just registered for the Weight Watchers Momentum Walking Challenge, renewed my Active membership (which had long been neglected), and downloaded the "learn to run" program. I went to the Y and did the first run/walk workout on the treadmill. I feel so invigorated knowing that I handily completed the task. I thought about running/walking more than the prescribed time, but I didn't want to push too hard and risk loosing that high that I'd found.
I have decided to forget about past failures for now and focus, not even on the future, but on right this minute. If I start to think too far ahead, it's too overwhelming. I'm thinking about what I just accomplished and what I can do right this minute. And yes, the 31 minute run/walk is absolutely an accomplishment for me.
I'm just putting it all out there. I'm about to post a picture of myself right now. I've spent too much time trying to look thinner, lying to myself about how bad it is, pretending that things are different. So from here on out, it's just me! My husband just took these pictures of me, this it, no lies, no appologies!!
My current goals: complete all the prescribed workouts this week. Attend meeting/weigh in on Friday.