Active Community: Message List - Ladies, married without name change?

Re: Ladies, married without name change?

guest — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 16:38:20 GMT

I kept my maiden name for all the reasons listed above and because my dad adopted me when I was a little girl and he chose to give me his name and I have been very proud of that name all my life. My OH wasn't thrilled that I was not going to change my name at all so we compromised and I hyphenated. I get mail addressed to my OH last name and it does not really bother me because I know some people just assume that you will change your name.

Re: Ladies, married without name change?

guest — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 22:30:00 GMT

quote:
Originally posted by makeda:
I only really note it if I know or expect the woman to be feminist. Yeah, I expect feminist women to keep their own names or hyphenate.

Darn it.

And I was going to let my leg hair grow out and start peeing in urinals.

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quote:
Originally posted by Lintu:

Seriously. I agree.

But then again, I don't really have any qualms with traditional gender roles, either. I don't think everyone should have to follow them, but I personally have no issue with them, which is why I chose to change my name.

I thought feminism was about having the choice, wasn't it? It's not about staying at home or working, or taking a new last name or keeping yours, or any of that. It's about being able to choose what you want to do, and I wanted to take my husband's last name. It had nothing to do with pressure on either side of the issue...I just wanted to.

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I took the hubby's name because I was tired of no one being able to spell or pronounce my last name. It was a burden I tell you!!!

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Re: Ladies, married without name change?

guest — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 20:27:00 GMT

quote:
Originally posted by mcgoofy:
Alright, just who, and where, is the person who started this thread?!?!?

Umm, that'd be me. I certainly didn't intend to spark such a debate. I was just wondering about addressing a letter! I must say, I got more than I bargained for and read a great deal of interesting and valid replies. Some of you echoed my own sentiments very eloquently. I suppose that I will add my 0.02 as succinctly as I can.

I respect women who make choices based on what they believe. I am supportive of my friends and relatives who have chosen to take a new name upon marrying (husband's name or hyphenated name) as much as I respect those who choose not to make a change. I trust that they have their reasons. I am only upset at the expectation that a woman will/must change her name. (That's when I feel that an undertone of subservience creeps into the whole matter.) I don't care who expects it...hubby, parents, in-laws, society, etc. I don't like it when people automatically assume there is a name change...it really doesn't hurt to be respectful and simply ask a woman what her preference will be.

I respect men who respect women who make choices based on what they Re: Ladies, married without name change? believe.

Thank you for all of your responses. And sorry to anyone for whom my (I thought) innocent question caused any distress!

[http://This message has been edited by OR1105 (edited Dec-10-2007).|http://This message has been edited by OR1105 (edited Dec-10-2007).]

Re: Ladies, married without name change?

guest — Sun, 09 Dec 2007 09:14:00 GMT

I grew up with a long hyphenated last name since my mom didn't change hers when she got married. You know what? It's fine. It's a pain sometimes on forms and stuff, but not a big deal. The hardest part is explaining to people which funny little symbol the hyphen is.

I'd never change my last name to a husband's last name. There's no way. I'd consider changing my name to a new or combo last name but that probably won't happenhopefully I'll be rather more published when / if I get married, and why go through all the namechanging hassle for everyone?<br /><br />Kids does get a little trickier, and I agree w/Marilyn vos Savant herethe hyphenation thing, while I love my last name (it's unique!) and respect the reasons my parents chose to give me this last name, isn't really sustainable. Any children that I have would probably just be given a last name that's new altogether, though I'd think about giving them my (theoretical) husband's last name, if it's ethnic or unique or important to him. I couldn't give one mine and one his, because it seems incredibly unfair to give one kid a hyphenated name and one a name that you don't have to spell slowly.

Oh, also? Screening out junk mail / telephone calls is SUPER EASY. Got my name wrong? Trash.

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Re: Ladies, married without name change?

guest — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 23:16:00 GMT

cb -- Thanks so for sharing that.
The Miss Jay part was so cute. !http://www.coolrunning.com/forums/smile.gif|src=http://www.coolrunning.com/forums/smile.gif|border=0!

Your posts and others have certainly made me more sensitive to this issue. People who resist gender norms are constantly negotiating, because patriarchal societies are full of this stuff. I'm still unclear on why I drew the line at name changing.

I think a big part of it is my aversion to women who feel they have "arrived" because they are married or otherwise partnered. Changing one's name has long been a fetishized aspect of this. As one of my boy-crazy friends said when she was engaged to the fool she eventually married: "I can't wait to get married so my life can begin." The three of us she told this to (including one married, the other engaged) were shocked and saddened. Yes, getting married is a beautiful and significant turning point in one's life, but you were always an important and interesting person who had a life.

Case in point, Star Jones-Reynolds. Hyphenated name notwithstanding. She became unbearable when she got in that relationship. I wasn't a fan of hers, but I thought it was sad that she talked about getting married in a way that suggested she was finally being validated as a woman. Her yammering included proclaiming that she was indeed going to take the mantle of "Mrs. Al Reynolds." It's like she was nobody, despite her success and friendships and family, until someone wanted to marry her. Gah.

[http://This message has been edited by makeda (edited Dec-08-2007).|http://This message has been edited by makeda (edited Dec-08-2007).]

Re: Ladies, married without name change?

guest — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 17:28:00 GMT

quote:
Originally posted by RioG:

Fionn... to answer your question on what if men chose to take the womans last name - I wouldn't be cool with that either. Why should anyone have to change?

I totally agree and appreciate consistency....

I asked because having had and heard this discussion many times, I've found many people who despite GREAT points about women not changing their names claim that they'd respect a man who takes his wife's name.....IMHO, it negates all their prior arguments....
I have no problem with either....but if you have a list of reasons why you wouldn't, they should apply to the person your marrying as well....

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[http://This message has been edited by Fionn mac Cumhail (edited Dec-08-2007).|http://This message has been edited by Fionn mac Cumhail (edited Dec-08-2007).]

Re: Ladies, married without name change?

guest — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 06:01:00 GMT

quote:
Originally posted by makeda:

Well... To go into another controversial topic... I remember when you posted a thread about diamonds. One of the things I said was that buying a diamond is something that's so easy to avoid. You said that your wife wanted an engagement ring because she was traditional about stuff like that.

Similarly, I remember that you wanted to have a special experience where you proposed to her, even though she was anxious to get it done and you both knew you were going to do it. I'm not saying that's sexist per se, but I am saying that's an example of traditional gender roles with an intense amount of importance.

I only bring that up because gender roles around courtship and marriage are one of those areas that people - including feminist people - still cleave to. I'm not going to be able to be articulate about the reasons why tonight. It's too late and I've got some DVDs to watch.

Heh - you're totally right. She does have a traditional streak, I guess -- must be the Catholic thing But I think the important thing is that we both recognize the mere symbolism of these things; she'd find it unacceptable if she thought I was being a patriarchal d!ck about it. There is a certain comfort in these traditions, rightly or wrongly.

Edit - I guess I should say we have a traditional streak, considering the whole engagement deal.

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Re: Ladies, married without name change?

guest — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 05:38:00 GMT

quote:
Originally posted by mcgoofy:

There is a CH regular who has said that she feels sorry for women who change their names when they get married. I found the comment offensive, as if I'm stuck in the dark ages and not evolved enough as a woman. I want the same name as my husband and kids (if it ever happens). I don't think I'm setting the women's movement back by wanting that.

Seriously. I agree.

But then again, I don't really have any qualms with traditional gender roles, either. I don't think everyone should have to follow them, but I personally have no issue with them, which is why I chose to change my name.

I thought feminism was about having the choice, wasn't it? It's not about staying at home or working, or taking a new last name or keeping yours, or any of that. It's about being able to choose what you want to do, and I wanted to take my husband's last name. It had nothing to do with pressure on either side of the issue...I just wanted to.

(Being called "bouncy" and "mount me" cos it rhymed with my maiden name was far more offensive than any perceived "oppression" of traditional gender roles).

[http://This message has been edited by Lintu (edited Dec-07-2007).|http://This message has been edited by Lintu (edited Dec-07-2007).]

Re: Ladies, married without name change?

guest — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 05:34:00 GMT

quote:
Originally posted by ElDuderino:
DW is about as non-traditional as they come - she's happy to call herself a Feminist with a Capital F with no shame, and is big on things being equal and fair (and I wouldn't want it any other way).

Well... To go into another controversial topic... I remember when you posted a thread about diamonds. One of the things I said was that buying a diamond is something that's so easy to avoid. You said that your wife wanted an engagement ring because she was traditional about stuff like that.

Similarly, I remember that you wanted to have a special experience where you proposed to her, even though she was anxious to get it done and you both knew you were going to do it. I'm not saying that's sexist per se, but I am saying that's an example of traditional gender roles with an intense amount of importance.

I only bring that up because gender roles around courtship and marriage are one of those areas that people - including feminist people - still cleave to. I'm not going to be able to be articulate about the reasons why tonight. It's too late and I've got some DVDs to watch.

gebuh -- I think that's brilliant! Can I use that in class (even more anonymously, of course)?

[http://This message has been edited by makeda (edited Dec-07-2007).|http://This message has been edited by makeda (edited Dec-07-2007).]

Re: Ladies, married without name change?

guest — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 05:18:00 GMT

uh- no I didn't change my last name.
And I thought my anecdote had everything to do with the name change thing-not about what my last name is, but the expectations of changing it or not. Or something like that, I've got to go run before I get tipsy, so slow down so's I can catch up and make more sense. If we're lucky and time it right, we can have this degenerate into a drunken brawl.

quote:
Originally posted by mcgoofy:

I don't. If he said he would change his name to mine, great. If not, fine too. Stereotypes exist about the roles of men and women and husbands and wives. I don't think the last name will change that. For example, the anecdotes you and Bonita gave really had nothing to do with what your last name is. You both changed your name and those experiences happened.

ETA: I may have glossed over a lot of your post gebuh, and I see another point you are making, but I'm tipsy, so .....

[http://This message has been edited by mcgoofy (edited Dec-07-2007).|http://This message has been edited by mcgoofy (edited Dec-07-2007).]