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Daily Humor

guest — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 20:06:19 GMT

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.

Re: Daily Humor

guest — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 18:07:39 GMT

I came across this and thought I'd share:

You Might Be A Crazy, Obsessed Runner If........

Submitted by JOHN ROGERS on Sat, 02/14/2009 - 08:05

Maine Running

Found this on Facebook left by Cathy Pugsley. Thought it was funny! For anyone who is crazy and obsessed with running, or whoever just loves the sport...

...you can use "easy" and 10 in the same sentence
...your shoes have more miles on them than your car does
...you go to a golf course to run
...you schedule dates around meets
...you've been to a golf course in every city but not to play golf
...you find yourself saying, "it's not really a hill..."
...you're running and you don't know why
...more than half the people you know don't know what XC is
...you can't go a day without some little brat saying "Run Forest run"
...you've ever relieved yourself (1 or 2) in a heavily wooded area. Hell, it doesn't even have to be heavily wooded, just somewhere in the outdoors
...Ibuprofen is your recreational drug of choice
...You look into the toilet before a big race to inspect the size of the log you just dropped
...National collegiate "powerhouses" are Colorado, Stanford, Wisconsin, Oregon, and Arkansas....not Miami, USC, and Oklahoma
...you are from the US and you think in terms of meters not feet or yards
...you can look at a grass field and guess its circumference almost exactly
...you are up watching ESPN at 2am (when they actually show the race coverage)
...you have 5% body fat yet you don't live in Somalia
...you consider a 15 mile run a good cure for a hangover
... you are a man, you eat all the junk food that there is and still weigh 119 pounds
... you dont care when you hug a sweaty girl
... you can sit in the cold whirlpool and still hope you will have 15 kids
...ultimate frisbee is the only other sport your good at
..."Quarters" are not a monetary unit
...You have recorded a marathon or track meet over your wedding video
...Your fridge contains two types of drinks: Beer and gatorade
...you waste ridiculous amounts of time engaged in meaningless arguments and discussions about running
...you get hit by a car and you don't bother to get the license plate of the person who hit you because you still have 6 miles left to go
...your carry-on is a spike bag
...the first question anybody asks you once they find out you are a runner is "Have you ever run the marathon?" even if you explain that you are a miler or 5k runner - then they immediately lose interest in the conversation
...You say things like "long and hard" to your female friends and it is not a sexual inuendo
...You hate Runner's World
...you are used to the sound of a gun
...you make hundreds of left turns each week
...you and your teammates have meaningless debates about training, running, and coaching, especially when you're drinking
...you can run a beer mile faster than most people could run a regular mile
...you have running shoes in varying degrees of decomposition: used, well-worn, spent but still good, and useless-but-I-still-wear-them-because-they-still-feel-good
...you keep shoes and running clothes in your car so that if you're ever on a road trip and drive by a place thinking "it'd be sweet to run here..." you can get out and go for a run
...you sleep in your running shorts because they're more comfortable than whitie-tighties, not to mention you don't need to change for morning practice
...you can correctly pronounce names like "Hicham El Guerrouj" "Kennesia Bekele" and "Haile Gebresilassie"
...you've learned that shopping after a long run or hard workout for food is bad, because when you get home, you realize all you have to eat for the next week is queso dip, mission tortilla chips, and a 5 pound bag of twizzlers
...you've ever found yourself running around an airport thinking "if i can just get in three more miles, I'll meet my mileage goal"
...you've become a member of the "Century Club", and by that I don't mean the older brother of the "Power Hour". (100 miles in 1 week of training)
...you wear sandals despite having the ugliest feet in the world, along with several missing toe nails
...speciality running shops are better than the mall
...you get upset and impatient when results from the race you ran aren't posted online by the time you get home
...LetsRun.com is your homepage
...you spend so much time on LetsRun that any one of the following could/has happened: you've been fired, you've been divorced, you've failed 1 or more classes, you have a regular posting handle and participate in all the Brojos prediction contest, and/or you've actually won a LetsRun.com prediction contest
...you need a magnifying glass to see your name in the paper.
...you have chafing in strange places.
...you spend more on training clothes than school clothes.
...there's nothing like intervals to start the week off fresh!!
...you talk to your coaches more than your parents
...off-season training starts a week after Finals
...you run when you feel like it, be it 6AM or midnight
...you know what "Badger Miles" are
...you use "Badger Miles" on your long runs and easy days
...you have the guts to do the steeplechase
...you do anything to try to heal an injury except go to a doctor or athletic trainer because you know they will just tell you to "Stop running."
...you wear a black, plastic sports watch with your dress clothes
...you can remember a time from a race 4 years ago, but you can't remember your friend's birthdays
...Your heart rate is below 50 and you are not dying
...You know how many grams of carbs there are in a banana.
...You can name a person from Namibia, Djibouti and Zimbabwe
...You've said "she'd be one hell of a pole vaulter" at a strip club
...you are embarrassed to wear sandals because of your hideous sock tan, but you where 'em anyway
...you are not embarassed to show someone where your hamstring "really" hurts.
...you know splits are something that not only cheerleaders care about
...girls: you're embarassed to wear a bikini because of your shorts/bra/tank-top/t-shirt tan lines
...you have hundreds of safety pins scattered around your house
...you enjoy running in the rain
...you carry a waterbottle to every class
...you double knot all your shoes out of habit
...you have a watch tan that never goes away
...you feel naked without your stop-watch on
...you enjoy playing duck duck goose with a youth group knowing you can outrun them- you then get sad when no one picks you as goose
...when you pack a seperate bag for your running clothes
...when pasta is the only food you'll eat two nights before a race
...when you try to convince people to run a 5k because it's "only" 3 miles
...when your friends think they need to practice more before they can run with you
...Every time you see a runner when you're driving you feel like you too should be running, even if you ran 15 miles earlier in the day
...You shower about 12 times a week
...you're not a masochist, but you enjoy ironing out tight muscles and tendons on a foam roller
...You see your opponent shitting on the side of a road during a race and don't think twice about it
...You really have to take a **** during your 90 minute run, but without any leaves or toilet paper handy, you rip off the bottom half of your t-shirt and use it
...your toenails are black.
...you feel lost without your water-bottle.
...you have running withdrawl if you don't run everyday.
...you consider school as just a break between runs.
...your room smells like Icy-Hot and New-Skin.
...you are bankrolling your physical therapist's next vacation.
...your girlfriend can bench more than you.
...you can count all your ribs.

Run Happy!

Re: Daily Humor

guest — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:48:25 GMT

That explains why it smells so bad when I pass someone with iPod!

Re: Daily Humor

guest — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:27:59 GMT

I know it has been a while.......

The Woman and the Farmer

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat at the counter next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence." the farmer said. "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating." said the woman.

"What a coincidence!" said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying for two years to have a child and today, my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years, all of my hens were infertile but now they are all laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different c***." he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence......................"

Re: Daily Humor

guest — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 19:25:25 GMT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
Subject: Acts 2:38*
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church*
Services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)*

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.*

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'*

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'*

Re: Daily Humor

guest — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 15:20:22 GMT

I finally got around to goin' fishin' this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without gettin' bit. I grabbed my bottle of Maker's Mark and poured a little bourbon in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishin' with the frog. A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Re: Daily Humor

guest — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 03:50:52 GMT

LOL, those are awesome! Love the T &G closeness on the keyboard, let's see how long I keep my job after using it. lol =)

Re: Daily Humor

guest — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 17:54:08 GMT

Thank you Charlotte. They won't be as often, but they should bring a snicker or two.

Re: Daily Humor

guest — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 01:04:30 GMT

Glad you're at it again Mike. LOL.

Re: Daily Humor

guest — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 13:45:28 GMT

Some random thoughts to get you through the day........

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*ck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the **** are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the **** do I respond to that?

It really ****** me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get ****** off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat ******* before dinner.