quote:<HR>Originally posted by Colormepink:
I went to Brothers Pizza w/ my family. I never eat the stuff. I had 2 mozzerella sticks, 1 onion ring, Buffalo chicken saladHUGE, fries, double scoop icecream cone later, NEVER eat reg. icecream, some pretzels and 2 pop tarts before bed. NEVER eat those BAD things either. Before you judge. I was good. I did not purge. NO I will suffer the consequences of the weight gain for my poor behaviour. ... I will eat more like a normal human being today and try not to lose control. Some good news is the woman who did a questionaire w/ me for counseling on the phone said it sounds like I still eat enough to get proper nutritioin. That made me happy. Unfortunately it also made me feel like I don't need the counseling then b/c I've got things under control.

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quote:<HR>Originally posted by LifeIsAMarathon:
1!

Looking at food as something to "control" is one of the major symptoms of ED. Your body knows what it needs if you just listen. It's hard. Years of dieting and controlling means you haven't listened to your body for years. You will swing from one extreme to another. It's really hard to find balance, in life in general. That's why people tend to the extremes -- it's easier to stay at the extremes, the black and whites. But being balanced is such a better way of living life. But trust that eventually it will all balance out. It takes a LOT of faith -- not just faith in God, but faith in YOURSELF that your body knows what it needs.

Changes in weight is not good or bad. It's just something that happens. It's just what it is. It's like shoe size. Do you think less or more of yourself because you don't wear the same size shoe as Cameron Diaz? Would any one think any less or more of you because you weighed differently? No. (And if someone does, that someone has body-image issues of his/her own!) Your family loves you no matter what you weigh. I know it's hard to believe. It was hard to believe for me too. But try it. They really do still love you no matter what!

Pink, I feel so much pain in your posts. It reminds me of all the struggles I went through. I am a head-first into anything sort of person. So it was only a few weeks into my counseling, I decided to throw away the diets and let myself eat whatever I wanted. My counselor wasn't pushing me into it. But I decided if the eventual goal is for me not to label foods and deprive myself anymore, then why not do it now? Let me tell you, I raided the bakery section at local grocery stores everyday and literally ate pies and cakes for about 2 months straight. It was horrible for my health, I'm sure. I could feel all the sugar rushing to my head and making me feel sick. And I gained weight beyond what I was comfortable with, to be sure. But you know what? After 2 months of eating whatever the **** I wanted, I discovered that I really didn't like a lot of the things I thought I liked. It was all the rules and deprivation talking! I also discovered that my body does tell me when to stop -- I can feel when if I ate another bite, I would be too full to be comfortable, or to have a sugar headache. I do know when to stop. I don't need to count calories or servings or have some diet plan to tell me when to stop. How liberating!!!!

I don't want to give the impression that 2 months is all it takes. In fact, it took much longer than that to really find a balance in my diet. Even after I laid off on the cakes and pies, it took a while for me to figure out how to treat food in a more balanced way. Fast forward to two years later, I finally have a balanced, healthy diet all on my own, without rules or diet plans. I eat vegetables because I know they're good for me, because I know I feel better when I eat enough vegetables in a day. I don't eat too much sweets because they tend to make me feel groggy. But I have my share when I feel like it -- and I enjoy every bite. I eat when I'm hungry, and stop when I'm full. It really can be simple like that. But it takes a lot of work -- work to learn how to let your body talk to you. I'm at a higher weight than I was before seeking treatment. But you know what, I've become comfortable with that! I was so scared to see friends that I haven't seen in a while after gaining weight, because of what they might say or think of me. I literally thought they wouldn't like me anymore because I've gained weight. I was afraid to see my own mother for crying out loud! But you know what I found out? I saw my friends and my mother, and I realized they still love me, and they love me not because what I weighed, but because I'm a funny, caring person, because I make them laugh, I listen to them, and I offer them support.

Beating ED is very hard, especially when there's so much disordered thinking around you from people who don't even realize they have it! Pat yourself on the back for even admitting you have a problem! You are so much farther ahead than people who're still trying to get rid of that last 5 lb -- who cares??? What difference does it make? Would it make people love you more? Would it make your life better? Would it elevate your career? No. It's all an illusion. Eating is just something we "control" because everything else in life is so much harder to control. It really shouldn't be that way.

Anyway. I'm rambling and sharing because I really feel for you. I don't have children. But one of the reasons I decided to seek help is that I wanted to be healthy before I have children! I wanted to bring them up in a healthy environment. I'm glad you're seeking help. And remember this -- it's OKAY to not succeed at first. Or at second. Or for a long time. It is OKAY. It's also okay to admit that you're not succeeding. It's liberating to share your failures with people. Nobody is perfect. Nobody. Everybody has their own struggles. I didn't realize that until I started sharing my struggles with people, and they started opening up to me, as well. It made me realize that most people pretend to be perfect because they think everyone else is. What a silly little game. So share your struggles. It's so much better to not pretend anymore. And I personally think letting people in on my struggles have made me a better friend -- my friends now feel free to not be "perfect" in front of me. It will be hard. You might relapse. But get back on the wagon when you realize you have fallen off the wagon again.

Best of luck.<HR>