dammit y'all, wait up- I just got back from my run, and I haven't got my drink on yet, so bear with me.
McGoofy
the story had nothing to do with what our last names were, but about our expectations. The man is expected to have his name first on the mortgage, the woman is expected to change her last name. When I talked to my sisters about changing or not changing they said its no big deal, why keep your own name? And they're right, it is no big deal- as long as I change my name, it doesn't become a big deal until I decide not to.
I don't think there is anything unfeminista about women who choose to change their names, but ask yourselves this- do you honestly believe there would not have been a problem had you chosen otherwise? Why did you change your name? Did you ever consider not changing it? What do you think would have happened if you had told your husband "I want you to take my last name"?

As far as the feminism thing goes-my hypothesis is that feminism is more about us accepting ourselves and what we do then about us redefining gender roles. Sure a woman can be pipefitter, but why should that garner her more respect then had she chosen to be a seamstress? Women who do traditionally womanly things get less respect than women who don't. I think we need to take that back, you're a SAHM who bakes and gardens? Then you work that. Why is whipping up a good meal for your man more subservient than him changing the oil in your car? Why is it subservient at all?
Ok I'll shut up now til I get some liquor.
Makeda feel free to use my whacko material, but I'm gonna want royalties.

I constantly obsess over the little things, so this is completely hypocritical. BUT

Why don't we remedy the remaining inequality? Then this junk won't matter, right?

quote:<HR>Originally posted by mcgoofy:
Why is it such a dumb thing to say? No it's not a "serious problem," I think it's a perfectly valid and practical question.

How would two people handle this?

Jane Walton-Cunningham marries Bob Petrie-Seinfeld. They have a child. What name do you give the child? If anyone knows of real life examples, I really am curious to know what people do in that situation. <HR>

As an unmarried with a hyphenated last name (Alicia Hername-Hisname) can I just tell you how offensive this question is? How is it valid that two adults with hyphenated names couldn't compromise the same way two adults with non-hyphenated names do? I can't tell you how many times someone has made the joke, as though because I have a hyphenated last name I would want a 4-name last name. Really, do you think you're the first one who thought of it? The rest of you deal with turning two names into one so why can't I deal with turning three (or four in your example) into something unified for my kids? Seriously people, if you know anyone with a hyphenated name, save them from the annoyed fake smile and assume that they have the intelligence to deal with this issue. Sorry if this is coming off harsh, but I expect the CH to know better than to use these cliches and it's a personal sore spot.

As for the overall debate, everyone has their preferences. I grew up with my hyphenated name and as I approach marriage there are days I want to keep mine and days I want to move mine to the middle and take his common last name. If either of you feel like it is subservient or demeaning, don't change it. If it makes you feel like more of a family, pick one you both like. Just be prepared for credit card companies to be confused no matter what you pick.

quote:<HR>Originally posted by cb:
Let me ask this question to those who think a woman should keep her name - do you think differently of a woman who doesn't? What assumptions would you make about her? Be honest.<HR>

I haven´t finished reading this monster thread but wanted to address a couple of points. First, each to his own in this matter. If someone wants to change their name to the DH´s -fine. I don´t respect them any more or less for it. If a man wants to change his name to his DW´s, -fine and actually, I do respect him a bit more for it because it is a very progressive move. Now, re the kids. It is up to the family and what works for them. Life and relationships are hard enough without making more work.

Now, re the etiquette question. LL´s approach is old fashioned. It is perfectly acceptable and etiquettely correct to address social correspondence to Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Doe. Yes, Miss Manners and Emily Post back this up. Ultimately, the final point in manners is to address a person in the manner in which they are most comfortable. This means not calling an older woman by her first name in the bank and not calling your DIL Mrs. DH. I could choose to make a fuss over it, but I don´t because I understand her and frankly, it isn´t worth it. I use my Dh´s last name for school functions b/c the kids have his last name (and my last name as their middle name) and I use my last name at the vets.

I guess I got lucky. Judy "wanted" to be mine.

Why get married?

Or how about this.. decide on a last name between the two married people.. what would sound good with both our first names John and Jane... Doe