any family with a deverely disabled child is going to fall apart if both parents arent unified in their efforts, and thats pretty much how it went down. My mother was your standard crazy overprotective mommy, and my dad was always resentful and responded by distancing himself. Thus I never really had a good role model before me, for how to think/feel/act in the context of the situation.

Things were probably the worst right before their divorce during my senior year of high school up through the summer before college started,when they actually got divorced. A lot of **** happened then that I never really forgave them for and it kind of numbed me up for awhile.

We're a bit closer now, but the resentment will always be there in some capacity. With my mom it's because she never really sought outside help for my brother's behavioral issues until she was essentially forced to- which put everyone in the house at risk for quite some time. (you cant exactly restrain a 6 ft. 250 pound autistic kid having a behavioral outburst by yourself). With my dad it's because he more or less walked out on everyone and 4 years later is still provoking all sorts of custody disuptes and making life in general difficult.

Over time I've kind of become desensitized to all of it, but it still makes things weird around the holidays. Christmas and thanksgiving are probably my two least favorite days of the year because of all the inevitable drama.

Did you see this situation coming? Is it a disappointment or a relief?
Yes- for many years. It was a major relief.

If you're willing to share, what were the greatest contributing factors?
On the day I told Mom that I was having a miscarriage-" Well, that is good! I didn't want you to have any children..."


All in all, not talking or seeing Mom is a great improvement in my life. I dropped her on the day my grandfather was laid to rest. Our relationship was very toxic and I felt ill every time we talked.

quote:<HR>Originally posted by Iontach:
{{{the kenyan}}}<HR>

1!

My sister always treated me like ****. She moved to AZ and we get along the best that we ever have. We speak maybe once a year. Works for me...

I have a decent relationship with my mom. My dad... He's turned into a very bitter person. I dread when I call to talk to mom and he answers the phone. Family gatherings, he manages to **** off a good number of people. I had to warn hubby that yesterday dad was going to give him he!! about something. I also told a cousin to tell dad to f-off it he bugged her about stuff... He major league offended Grandma yesterday. That is very, very hard to do. But he did it.

Growing up, I never understood why family couldn't deal with my dad. Now, I do...

My father is dead, but we weren't terribly close in the last years of his life. He had recently married my stepmother and made a huge midlife career change, and he was kind of busy having lots of fun with that.

My mother and I are completely estranged. I didn't instigate it, but I didn't exactly do anything to stop it happening either. We were never close, and had our share of parent/teenager **** when I was in high school. The fact that she had a lot of emotional problems didn't help either. She moved away after she and my father divorced (I was in college by then), and I was always too poor to visit her. When my father died, his family chose me to let my mother know. I did - by telephone - and though we vowed to stay in touch, neither of us did, and I eventually lost track of her. 7 or 8 years ago I used an online search service to try and track her down, but it was tough - I didn't even know what last name she was using. Several years and several searches later, I did come up with a phone number. I dialed, and she answered, and I hung up. What if she'd spent the last years erasing her children from her life? Who was I to barge in again? I didn't want her to think I wanted anything from her. But it was nice to know she was alive.

So to answer Jamers' question: I did see it coming, I guess. And it's neither disappointment nor relief but just the way things are.

After years of family violence, some of it a result of my father's many affairs and my mother's verbal recriminations, my parents came to crossroads. I was around 9 years old when my father asked if I thought we would be better if he left. Of course, I said no.

The physical violence stopped between them, and towards the kids a few years later, but my mother's verbal abuse of him never did.

I sought solitude and refuge into my room with the door closed. Books were my escape into fantastic worlds full of adventures and hope. I had a few very close friendships with some kids, but those remained far and few between, eventually complicated by a most severe case of cystic acne. I remained painfully shy well into my 20s when academic and professional success, and martial arts, eventually led me to leadership roles than allowed me to break out of that shell. Most people today think I'm quite the extrovert.

I always played straight down the middle in the conflict between my parents, and never got close to them. My siblings, younger than me, were brainwashed onto my mother's side in the great battle between my parents, and they never understood why I remained on my father's side (I wasn't... just remained neutral).

Now I live 3000 miles away, and still have never been able to get close since this would involve choosing sides. I am on good speaking terms with everyone, though, except that contacts with my father have been very limited since he started having an affair again 5 or 6 years ago, and he has been too embarassed to talk to me about it and take my calls. Years later, I've given up on trying to reach him. Second stage Alzheimer's was also making him confused the last few times we spoke, and I'm not sure I'll ever get to talk to him again while he's alive.

My mother and sister have visited me on a yearly basis. When they do come, I try to show them a good time. My mother is not getting any younger, and if any visit is the last time I see her, I want to make sure she had the time of her life.

Once both of them are gone, we'll see what develops with the siblings.

Mars