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173320 Views 749 Replies Latest reply: Sep 16, 2011 1:06 PM by runnerJ824 Go to original post 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 50 Previous Next
  • cplmtz0121 We're Not Worthy 2,455 posts since
    Nov 1, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    45. Feb 3, 2009 7:06 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?  

    Juan on Juan.

     

    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

    The position of the dirt bag.

     

    Why is divorce so expensive?

    Because it's worth it.

     

    What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

    Doughnuts.

     

    Why is air a lot like sex?

    Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

     

    What do you call a smart blonde?

    A golden retriever.

     

    What do attorneys use for birth control?

    Their personalities.

     

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

    45 lbs.

     

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

    45 minutes.

     

    Why do men want to marry virgins?

    They can't stand criticism.

     

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

    Because those men already have boyfriends.

     

    What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

    A porcupine has the ****** on the outside.

     

    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

    "Are you sure it's mine?"

     

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

    Breasts don't have eyes.

     

    Why do driver's education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

    Because on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Sex Ed classes use it.

     

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

    A different bar.

     

    Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

    They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

     

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

    A speech impediment.

     

    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

    A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with..."a recipe."

     

    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!!"

     

    Why is there no Disneyland in China?

    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

     

     





    Hard-charging motivating Devil Dog

  • dutch omi We're Not Worthy 5,642 posts since
    Jan 19, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    48. Feb 3, 2009 1:17 PM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Jesus and Mike, these were great.  LMAO.

     

     

  • FLKaren Legend 1,195 posts since
    Aug 28, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    49. Feb 3, 2009 1:37 PM (in response to dutch omi)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    That is hilarious!

     

     





    Dig deep, people, you can do it!
  • FormerBAM We're Not Worthy 4,378 posts since
    Aug 21, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    50. Feb 3, 2009 2:01 PM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    MikeDaMarine08 wrote:

    I couldn't resist adding this one.... sorry   LMAO

     

     

     

     

     

     

    So did he win the trip to Bali?

     

     

      Good one, Mike.

     

     

     

     

     

    Jesus, it's a good thing you're Mexican or you would really offend some Mexicans, dear

     

     

  • HALOjen Legend 1,305 posts since
    Dec 14, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    52. Feb 3, 2009 3:34 PM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

    I am almost afraid to join in on this thread!  My brother sent me this and I though Mike and Jesus might appreciate it

     

     

     

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

     

    I politely said, "This is Dylan. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

     

    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

     

    After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a*hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ahole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a*hole!" It always cheered me up.

     

    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

     

    He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!" and hung up.

     

    One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

     

    A couple of days later, right after calling the first a*hole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a*hole, too.

     

    I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

     

    He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

     

    I asked, "What's your name?"

     

    He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

     

    I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

     

    He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

     

    I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

     

    He said, "Yes?"

     

    I said, "Don, you're an a**hole!"

     

    Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call.

     

    Then I came up with an idea. I called a**hole #1.

     

    He said, "Hello."

     

    I said, "You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

     

    He asked, "Are you still there?"

     

    I said, "Yeah,"

     

    He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

     

    I said, "Make me,"

     

    He asked, "Who are you?"

     

    I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

     

    He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "A**hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, a yellow split-level, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

     

    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

     

    I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole," and hung up.

     

    Then I called A**hole #2.

     

    He said, "Hello?"

     

    I said, "Hello, a**hole,"

     

    He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

     

    I said, "You'll what?"

     

    He exclaimed, "I'll kick your a**,"

     

    I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

     

    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

     

    Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd.

     

    I quickly got into my car and headed over there. I got there just in time to watch two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

     

    NOW, I feel much better.

     

    Stress management really does work.





    I will run for cupcakes!!

  • FormerBAM We're Not Worthy 4,378 posts since
    Aug 21, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    53. Feb 3, 2009 3:45 PM (in response to HALOjen)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Priceless, Jen!!

     

     

     

     

    Jen wins! 

     

     

     

     

     

  • dutch omi We're Not Worthy 5,642 posts since
    Jan 19, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    54. Feb 3, 2009 4:45 PM (in response to FormerBAM)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Jen, the best. 

     

     

  • dutch omi We're Not Worthy 5,642 posts since
    Jan 19, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    57. Feb 4, 2009 5:45 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Keep us laughing. 

  • dutch omi We're Not Worthy 5,642 posts since
    Jan 19, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    59. Feb 4, 2009 6:26 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Mike, the last time I saw Jimmy's legs they actually had some tan, but I can't wait to laugh for hours.

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