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175631 Views 749 Replies Latest reply: Sep 16, 2011 1:06 PM by runnerJ824 Go to original post 1 ... 41 42 43 44 45 ... 50 Previous Next
  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    630. May 8, 2009 11:13 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

     

     

    Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

     

     

    'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

     

     

    The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

     

     

  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    631. May 8, 2009 11:17 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    You Do The Math....

     

     

    ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

     

     

    Smart man + smart woman = romance

     

     

    Smart man + dumb woman = affair

     

     

    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

     

     

    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

     

     

    ______________________________

     

     

    OFFICE ARITHMETIC

     

     

    Smart boss + smart employee = profit

     

     

    Smart boss + dumb employee = production

     

     

    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

     

     

    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

     

     

    _____________________________

     

     

    SHOPPING MATH

     

     

    A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

     

     

    A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

     

     

    _____________________________

     

     

    GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

     

     

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

     

     

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

     

     

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

     

     

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

     

     

    _____________________________

     

     

    HAPPINESS

     

     

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

     

     

    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

     

     

    ______________________________

     

     

    LONGEVITY

     

     

    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

     

     

    ______________________________

     

     

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

     

     

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

     

     

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

     

     

    _____________________________

     

     

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

     

     

    A woman has the last word in any argument.

     

     

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

     

     

    _____________________________

     

     

    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

     

     

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

     

     

  • Jimmy_D_Jarhead We're Not Worthy 4,477 posts since
    Dec 15, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    632. May 11, 2009 7:06 AM (in response to runnerJ824)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    On his 84th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The

     

     

    certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby

     

     

    reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile

     

     

    dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed

     

     

    his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

     

     

     

     

     

    The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to

     

     

    him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful

     

     

    medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then

     

     

    say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you

     

     

    have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

     

     

     

     

     

    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,

     

     

    "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

     

     

    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded ... "but when she

     

     

    does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

     

     

    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,

     

     

    shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to

     

     

    join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and

     

     

    said, "1-2-3!"

     

     

     

     

     

    Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

     

     

    - - - -

     

     

     

     

     

    And that, boys and girls, is why one should never end a sentence with a preposition,

     

     

    OR ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!

     

     






    This place is like home!!!!

  • lenzlaw Community Moderator 10,432 posts since
    Jan 18, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    633. May 11, 2009 7:51 AM (in response to Jimmy_D_Jarhead)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Jimmy, maybe you should be the English prof, along with Sara.





    Len

  • Jimmy_D_Jarhead We're Not Worthy 4,477 posts since
    Dec 15, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    636. May 12, 2009 5:15 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    This is not a Joke . Believe it ,this is a big part of the problem in this country!  Schools alone, cannot solve the problem.  SCHOOL TEACHERS, BET YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD HEARD AND SEEN IT ALL!  How would you pronounce this child's name?  Le-a

     

     

    Leah?? NO

     

     

    Lee - A?? NO

     

     

    Lay - a?? NOPE

     

     

    Lei?? Guess Again.

     

     

    This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.  It's pronounced 'Ledasha'. Oh yes, you read it right.

     

     

    Le-DASH-a

     

     

    When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."  SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.  If they axe you why, tell them ' the dash don't be silent ' .

     

     

     

     

     

    I received this via e-amil and found it funny.  Some see it as ognorant but I see it as creative spelling.

     

     

     

     

     

    Jimmy

     

     






    This place is like home!!!!

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    637. May 12, 2009 6:13 AM (in response to Jimmy_D_Jarhead)
    Re: Daily Humor

    THE GIFT

    This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into

    a regular workout routine.

     

    Dear Diary,

    For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a

    week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I

    am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30

    yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a

    try.

    I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named

    Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor

    and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased

    with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a

    diary to chart my progress.

     

    MONDAY:

    Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well

    worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for

    me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing

    eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

    Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse

    After 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,

    but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics

    outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her

    aerobics class after my workout today.

    Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although

    my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was

    around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

     

    TUESDAY:

    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

    Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,

    and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the

    treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it

    all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

     

    WEDNESDAY:

    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

    counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

    hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to

    steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

    Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered

    other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the

    morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY

    annoying.

    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the

    *stair monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine to simulate*

    an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would

    *help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.*

     

    THURSDAY:

    Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her

    thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help

    being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

    Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,

    I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as

    punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

     

    FRIDAY:

    Belinda?..I hate her more than any human being has ever hated any

    other human being in the history of the world!! Stupid, skinny, anemic

    little cheerleader! If there were a part of my body I could move

    without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it!

    Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And

    *if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &%#(#&!!@@*

    barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition

    teacher Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach

    or the choir director?

     

    SATURDAY:

    Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly

    voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me

    want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the

    strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven

    straight hours of the Weather Channel.

     

    SUNDAY:

    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go

    and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year

    my wife, the poor misguided soul, will choose a gift for me that is

    fun, like a root canal or a vasectomy.

     

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    638. May 12, 2009 6:32 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs: and one night he's doing a show in a small town.

    With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but, women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

     

     

     

    "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little ******* on your knee!

     

     

  • slsteinmetz Rookie 3 posts since
    Oct 31, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    639. May 12, 2009 7:30 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Thanks so much to everyone on this thing.  This is my first marathon (I turn 25 that weekend so I figured what better way to celebrate a quarter of a century than to do a marathon??).  Not gonna lie, I am overall psyched but a titch nervous.  I have a bum knee (well both but one's worse than the other) - I tore my IT band in college and it never healed properly.  Any suggestions for this?  I was thinking of going to a physical therapist...

     

     

    Anyways, thanks for calming my nerves!!!   

     

     

  • staving off decrepitude Legend 1,193 posts since
    Dec 14, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    640. May 12, 2009 7:48 AM (in response to slsteinmetz)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    slsteinmetz wrote:

    Thanks so much to everyone on this thing. This is my first marathon (I turn 25 that weekend so I figured what better way to celebrate a quarter of a century than to do a marathon??). Not gonna lie, I am overall psyched but a titch nervous. I have a bum knee (well both but one's worse than the other) - I tore my IT band in college and it never healed properly. Any suggestions for this? I was thinking of going to a physical therapist...

     

    Anyways, thanks for calming my nerves!!!

     

     

     

     

    How has your IT been feeling as you train?

     

     





    Chocolate is very nice.
  • slsteinmetz Rookie 3 posts since
    Oct 31, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    Re: Daily Humor

    Eh - it has good days and bad.  I try to take motrin before I go on longer runs.  When I did the Cherry Blossom Ten Miler, my knee locked up at mile 7 (the majority of the tear was at the base of the band, around my knee) - horrible.  Overall though, when I run, I can feel it but push through.  I wear a knee brace which helps sometimes.  Sometimes it's just a hinderance.  Haha.

  • staving off decrepitude Legend 1,193 posts since
    Dec 14, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    642. May 12, 2009 7:58 AM (in response to slsteinmetz)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    slsteinmetz wrote:

    Eh - it has good days and bad. I try to take motrin before I go on longer runs. When I did the Cherry Blossom Ten Miler, my knee locked up at mile 7 (the majority of the tear was at the base of the band, around my knee) - horrible. Overall though, when I run, I can feel it but push through. I wear a knee brace which helps sometimes. Sometimes it's just a hinderance. Haha.

     

     

     

    Sounds like a physical therapist might be a good idea.  And now... Back to the humor.

     

     





    Chocolate is very nice.
  • slsteinmetz Rookie 3 posts since
    Oct 31, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    Re: Daily Humor

    Yep.  Sounds like a plan.

  • Jimmy_D_Jarhead We're Not Worthy 4,477 posts since
    Dec 15, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    644. May 12, 2009 10:23 AM (in response to slsteinmetz)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    A runner asks his wife: "What do you love most about me? My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?" "What I love most about you," responded the man's wife, "is your enormous sense of humor."

     

     

     

     

     

    This one is too true in my case!

     

     

     

     

     

    Jimmy

     

     

     

     

     






    This place is like home!!!!

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