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169197 Views 749 Replies Latest reply: Sep 16, 2011 1:06 PM by runnerJ824 RSS Go to original post 1 ... 45 46 47 48 49 50 Previous Next
  • RunDaddyRunx4 Legend 1,037 posts since
    May 12, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    691. May 29, 2009 6:00 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

     

    *_TWENTY DOLLARS_ *

     

     

    *On their wedding night , *

    *the young bride approached her new husband *

    *and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. *

     

     

    *In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. *

    *This scenario was repeated each time they made love, *

    *for more than 30 years, with him thinking *

    *that it was a cute way for her to afford *

     

     

    *new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. *

    *Arriving home around noon one day, *

    *she was surprised to find *

    *her husband in a very drunken state. *

    *During the next few minutes, *

    *he explained that his employer was *

    *going through a process of corporate downsizing, *

    *and he had been let go. *

     

     

    *It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, *

    *he'd be able to find another position *

    *that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, *

    *and therefore, they were financially ruined. *

    *Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book *

    *which showed more than thirty years *

    *of steady deposits and interest *

    *totaling nearly $1 million. *

     

     

    *Then she showed him *

    *certificates of deposits *

    *issued by the bank *

    *which were worth over $2 million, *

    *and informed him that they were *

    *one of the largest depositors in the bank. *

    *She explained that for the more than *

    *three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, *

    *these holdings had multiplied *

    *and these were the results *

    *of her savings and investments. *

    *Faced with evidence of cash and investments *

    *worth over $3 million, *

    *her husband was so astounded *

    *he could barely speak, but *

    *finally he found his voice and blurted out, *

     

     

    *'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, *

    *I would have given you all my business!' *

    **_That's when she shot him._

    *You know, sometimes, *

    *men just don't know when *

    **to keep their mouths shu

     

     

     

     





  • dutch omi We're Not Worthy 5,642 posts since
    Jan 19, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    692. May 29, 2009 11:28 AM (in response to RunDaddyRunx4)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    New Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn

    BBQ RULES   We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor   cooking activity.   When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

    Routine...  

    (1)   The woman buys the food.  

    (2)   The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert..  

    (3)   The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.  

    (4)   The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

     

     

    Here comes the important part:  

    (5)   THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.  

    More routine...  

    (6)   The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.  

    (7)   The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

    Important again:  

    (8)   THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.  

    More routine...  

    (9)   The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.  

    (10)   After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    And most important of all:  

    (11)   Everyone   PRAISES   the   MAN  and  THANKS HIM   for his cooking efforts.  

    (12)   The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ',   and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

     

     

  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    693. May 29, 2009 8:34 PM (in response to dutch omi)
    Re: Daily Humor

    LOL, yes and we must follow these rules to maintain the man's ego.

  • Irish Runner77 Legend 780 posts since
    Nov 1, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    695. Jun 2, 2009 7:20 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Moms in Therapy

     

    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

     

     





    MCM Finisher 2007, 2008, 2009
    CMM Finisher 2008
    Goofy Challenge Finisher 2009, 2010
    Pittsburgh Marathon Finisher 2009
    RnR Seattle Finisher 2009

    Richmond Finisher 2009

    RnR Las Vegas Finisher 2009

  • Irish Runner77 Legend 780 posts since
    Nov 1, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    696. Jun 2, 2009 8:52 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

     

     

    One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases, it was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

     

     

    That afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school he was over 2 hours late.

     

     

    "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

     

     

    "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

     

     

    The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

     

     

    "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now

    tell us where you really were after school."

     

     

    "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

     

     

    "What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

     

     

    "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

     

     

    The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

     

     

    With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sx Queen."

     

     

    "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

     

     

    The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

     

     

    Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

     

     

    With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

     

     





    MCM Finisher 2007, 2008, 2009
    CMM Finisher 2008
    Goofy Challenge Finisher 2009, 2010
    Pittsburgh Marathon Finisher 2009
    RnR Seattle Finisher 2009

    Richmond Finisher 2009

    RnR Las Vegas Finisher 2009

  • FormerBAM We're Not Worthy 4,378 posts since
    Aug 21, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    697. Jun 2, 2009 9:21 AM (in response to Irish Runner77)
    Re: Daily Humor

    LMAO   Good, Chris.

  • Irish Runner77 Legend 780 posts since
    Nov 1, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    698. Jun 2, 2009 10:22 AM (in response to FormerBAM)
    Re: Daily Humor

    I've got a few of them today!

     

     

    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

     

    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

     

    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full -time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

    I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

     

    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

     

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

     

    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

     

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

     

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

     

    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

     

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

     

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

     

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

     

    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

     

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

     

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

     

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

     

    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

     

    'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

     

    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'





    MCM Finisher 2007, 2008, 2009
    CMM Finisher 2008
    Goofy Challenge Finisher 2009, 2010
    Pittsburgh Marathon Finisher 2009
    RnR Seattle Finisher 2009

    Richmond Finisher 2009

    RnR Las Vegas Finisher 2009

  • RunDaddyRunx4 Legend 1,037 posts since
    May 12, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    699. Jun 2, 2009 10:28 AM (in response to Irish Runner77)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Watch out Mike, Chris is on a roll.....go....Chris...go, keep em' coming.

     

     

     

     

     





  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    700. Jun 2, 2009 10:38 AM (in response to RunDaddyRunx4)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Bill Gates dies and goes to ****.

    Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

     

    Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

     

    Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

     

    "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

     

    "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

     

    "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't..."

     

    "What about the PC?"

     

    "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

     

    "Which three?"

     

    "Control, Alt and Delete."

     

     

  • FLKaren Legend 1,195 posts since
    Aug 28, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    701. Jun 2, 2009 11:40 AM (in response to runnerJ824)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    I don't think I've seen this one on here yet:

     

     

    Skinny Dipping...

     

     

    > An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several years with a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees

     

     

    One evening the old farmer decided to go  down to the pond and look it over as he hadn't been there for a while.

     

     

    He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

     

     

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices  shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a  bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

     

     

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.  One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

     

     

    The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

     

     

    Holding the bucket up he said 'I'm here to feed the alligator.

     

     

    Some old men can still think fast.

     

     

     

     

     





    Dig deep, people, you can do it!
  • RunDaddyRunx4 Legend 1,037 posts since
    May 12, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    702. Jun 3, 2009 5:19 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

    An old Italian lived alone in  New Jersey  .  He wanted to plant his annual  tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

       

    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

       

    Dear Vincent,  

    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

    Love, Papa

       

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

         

    Dear Pop,

    Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

    Love,

    Vinnie

           

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

         

    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

     

    Dear Pop,

    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. 

    Love you,

    Vinnie





  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    703. Jun 3, 2009 9:40 AM (in response to RunDaddyRunx4)
    Re: Daily Humor

    AHAHAHA, smart helpful son but not smart enough to stay out of prison.

  • Jimmy_D_Jarhead We're Not Worthy 4,477 posts since
    Dec 15, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    704. Jun 5, 2009 8:39 AM (in response to runnerJ824)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

     

    The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

     

    The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

     

    At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

     

    The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     






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