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175108 Views 749 Replies Latest reply: Sep 16, 2011 1:06 PM by runnerJ824 Go to original post 1 ... 46 47 48 49 50 Previous Next
  • Jimmy_D_Jarhead We're Not Worthy 4,477 posts since
    Dec 15, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    705. Jun 5, 2009 8:42 AM (in response to Jimmy_D_Jarhead)
    Re: Daily Humor

    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

     

    He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

     

     

    The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

     

     

    When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

     

     






    This place is like home!!!!

  • Jimmy_D_Jarhead We're Not Worthy 4,477 posts since
    Dec 15, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    706. Jun 5, 2009 8:47 AM (in response to Jimmy_D_Jarhead)
    Re: Daily Humor

    A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.

     

    The guy asks for the bad news first.

     

    The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."

     

    Then the guy asks for the good news.

     

    The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."






    This place is like home!!!!

  • RunDaddyRunx4 Legend 1,037 posts since
    May 12, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    707. Jun 6, 2009 3:50 PM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

    If  you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!

     

     

     

     

    *A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU. *

     

     

     

     

     

    *One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 min.' *

     

     

     

     

     

    *The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting.' *

     

     

     

     

     

    *It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. *

     

     

     

     

     

    *The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. *

     

     

     

     

     

    *The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What in the world is the matter with you? 'Why did you do that?' *

     

     

     

     

     

    *The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting America 's  soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.' *

     

     

     

     

     

    *The classroom erupted in cheers! *

     

     





  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    708. Jun 6, 2009 10:41 PM (in response to RunDaddyRunx4)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Amen to that! =)

  • dutch omi We're Not Worthy 5,642 posts since
    Jan 19, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    709. Jun 9, 2009 11:18 AM (in response to runnerJ824)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

     

     

    I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

     

     

    A half-gallon of 2% milk

    A carton of eggs

    A quart of orange juice

    A head of romaine lettuce

    A 2 lb. can of coffee

    A pound of bacon

     

     

    As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

     

     

    While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

     

     

    I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.

     

     

    I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

     

     

    Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

     

     

    The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

     

     

     

     

  • Jimmy_D_Jarhead We're Not Worthy 4,477 posts since
    Dec 15, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    710. Jun 9, 2009 2:31 PM (in response to dutch omi)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Charlotte that one was too good!!!!!






    This place is like home!!!!

  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    711. Jun 11, 2009 11:25 AM (in response to Jimmy_D_Jarhead)
    Re: Daily Humor

    This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stumbles upon a redneck lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.

     

     

    "Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.

     

    The redneck doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.

     

    So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"

     

    The redneck replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."

     

    "Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.

     

    "NO" The redneck replies with a shocked look on his face "The b---- ran over me 10 minutes ago!"

  • dutch omi We're Not Worthy 5,642 posts since
    Jan 19, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    712. Jun 11, 2009 2:29 PM (in response to runnerJ824)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

     

     

    Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my chest is too small.  Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

     

     

    If you want your chest to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.  Willing to try anything,  I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my chest?' I asked.

     

     

    They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

     

     

    I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my chest every day will make my chest larger over the years?'

     

     

    Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your a$$, didn't it?'

     

     

    He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

     

     

    Stupid, stupid man.

     

     

  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    713. Jun 12, 2009 1:18 PM (in response to dutch omi)
    Re: Daily Humor

    A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

     

    Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

     

    "About 35," was the reply.

     

    "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

     

    After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

     

    The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

     

    "I am actually 47."

     

    Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

     

    She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

     

    As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the **** and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

     

    Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

     

    Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

     

    The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    714. Jun 12, 2009 1:21 PM (in response to runnerJ824)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

     

    After laying there a few minutes the old man ***** and says, "Seven Points."

     

    His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

     

    The old man replied, "It's **** football... I just scored."

     

    A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

     

    After about five minutes the old man ***** again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

     

    Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

     

    Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

     

    Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

     

    Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of *******, he poops the bed.

     

    The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

     

    The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

     

     

  • renegadejb Expert 53 posts since
    Sep 16, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    717. Jun 17, 2009 10:27 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

     

     

    First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

     

     

    I found the ******* hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the *******. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

     

     

    St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

     

     

    Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

     

     

    St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

     

     

    Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

     

     

  • renegadejb Expert 53 posts since
    Sep 16, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    718. Jun 17, 2009 10:30 AM (in response to renegadejb)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Things To Do On An Elevator

     

     

     

     

     

    1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

     

     

    2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

     

     

    3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

     

     

    4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

     

     

    5) MEOW occasionally.

     

     

    6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly

     

     

    7) SAY -DING at each floor.

     

     

    8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

     

     

    9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

     

     

    10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

     

     

    11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

     

     

    12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

     

     

    13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

     

     

    14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

     

     

    15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

     

     

    16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

     

     

    17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

     

     

    18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

     

     

    19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

     

     

    20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

     

     

    21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

     

     

    22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

     

     

  • Jimmy_D_Jarhead We're Not Worthy 4,477 posts since
    Dec 15, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    719. Jun 17, 2009 10:33 AM (in response to renegadejb)
    Re: Daily Humor

    So picture this.... too funny!






    This place is like home!!!!

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