I didn't complete my run tonight, and I am actually okay with that. A few weeks ago that would have sent me into fits of self-doubt, but not tonight. I will try again tomorrow. No big deal.
Sunday's run was pretty good, and so my progress is still good. I am trying to figure out how my running is going to fit into my schedule now that I am back to work.
I will be running three miles in just under a month according to plan, and I am excited. I am running my first 5k in October and a 10k in November. Setting these goals is helpful to me in maintaining my commitment.
Yeah, I don't really have much tonight, but I wanted to get on and write. Routines, after all, are very important right now.
I am at a bit of a loss of what to write tonight. I was supposed to blog yesterday, but I wasn't feeling it then either. I had a great run yesterday -- W6D1 of C25K is complete, and I have just about a month left to go. Tonight's blog is just a bit of scattered thoughts.
I have a weird issue with sharing my running progress with my friends. For whatever reason (my own insecurity), when some of them ask me how my running is going, I feel stressed. If they suggest we run a race together, I nearly shut down. It makes no logical sense, I know, but I guess I feel patronized. Again, this is entirely in my own head. My friends are kind and sincere in their interest; it just triggers some sort of feeling of inadequacy in me. However, I have two friends with whom I can share my progress and not feel this way. We are all comparable in ability and progress, and we are planning to run a 5k and 10k together. I am excited and energized when I talk to them, and I am so glad that I have them.
I am frustrated that I haven't lost weight. I used to be able to just increase my exercise and pay a little more attention to what I eat, and I would drop weight easily. Now, I have maintained the same weight for six months. It feels like it just won't budge. I have started using http://www.myfooddiary.com , and I hope that will help me to realize what it is I really am eating. Otherwise, I am heading back to Weight Watchers. I know it works; I was just hoping to do it a different way this time.
I think I have Success Avoidance issues. I learned about this yesterday at a workshop (I teach high school). It was supposed to help us see how we can reach our students, but I really ended up diagnosing myself. I have sabotaged my efforts to accomplish things time and time again. I don't know why exactly; I think it's a combination of a few things, but I definitely have the issue. So, I am recognizing it, but I am not engaging it. I refuse to fail this time. I will run that half marathon. I will finish. I will succeed.
From Marianne Williamson:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you notto be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about s.hrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
For the glory of God, for my daughter, for me . . . I will succeed
Today, I think I became a runner. I ran two miles today without walking, without stopping, and without dying. Two miles may not be much in terms of distance, but it is monumental to me. Two miles is respectable; it requires more sustained effort than scraping out a mile. It's 2/3 of the way to a 5K -- a respectable racing distance. Two miles, for me, is an accomplishment.
It felt great running today. Legs, lungs -- everything felt great. Repeating W5 of the C25K program was a good decision, and now I won't feel discouraged if I need to repeat another day or week as I go forward. I killed today's run. There was no doubt that I would finish, no shuffling out the last half mile, no clutching the rails of the treadmill. In fact, I could have kept running. If someone walked into the gym today and saw me for the first time, they might have even thought I was a real runner. So, then, maybe I am. . .
The thing I have realized as I have gone along is that the only thing holding me back is my mind. My body wants to move, to shed its extra weight, to run. My mind keeps trying to tell my body that it can't do those things. It reminds my body that I have always quit before and that it's inevitable that I will quit again. That voice seems to want me to fail because it's familiar with failure -- with settling for mediocrity. But my heart and my soul are ready for something better, and that voice will not get the better of me this time.
My mindset needs a makeover. Instead of even the lukewarm thinking, "I'm going to be a runner. I'm almost there," I am getting used to the empowering idea that I AM a runner. I do, in fact, run, after all. Therefore, by definition . . .I am a runner. If I can just keep that ugly voice in my head quiet, my heart and my soul can start to really feel that in every part of my being. I'm a runner.
Years ago when I first started my attempts to become a runner, I read an article that made a claim I have held onto ever since. Our bodies are made to move. Anyone can run.
This statement became particularly important to me in these past two weeks of training. Week five of the C25K plan beat me down -- at least temporarily. I didn't finish the third run of the week, but tried to move onto day one of week six with bad results. Up until that point it had felt great. I could feel my legs and lungs getting stronger each day, and I loved how I felt after. Week five, all of a sudden, was hard. I didn't want it to be hard. I wanted to be a runner with little effort. I wanted to sail through my training all the way to that day in February when I run my half marathon. I liked the exhaustion after a good, hard workout, but I didn't want to have a lot of trouble getting through it. Week five was a wake up call from reality. While anyone can run, not everyone does. That's because it's not easy. It's hard. And if I truly want to be a runner, to embody that word, I have to get used to it being hard. And, what's more, I have to learn to love it.
The last time I tried this program, I quit -- after finishing week five. It seemed week five was again threatening to kill my progress, the first (and probably not the last) setback on my journey. But this time, I am doing this not just for me, but for my daughter. I want her to grow up knowing that most things in life worth having only come with hard work. If I quit because things get a little difficult, I am failing myself and her. So this time I decided to change the outcome. Like so many things in life, I realized that moving backward was necessary to move forward. I restarted week five, and, with two days down and one to go, I am killing it. I feel great, and I am looking forward to taking on day three on Sunday. And if Sunday doesn't go well? I will run W5D3 as many times as necessary until I finish it.
Anyone can run. It just takes putting one foot in front of the other -- and knowing sometimes moving back is indeed moving forward.
Today, I restarted week 5 of the Couch to 5K running plan (www.coolrunning.com) . After two rough runs, I decided to go back a week and refocus my efforts. As I headed out the door, I told Clare that mommy was going for a run. "Momma, run, run, run!" she answered. How could I not have a great run after that?
My run today was a turning point. I was frustrated that I had to go back a bit in the program, especially since it's the furthest I have gotten before. But today felt great! My legs were strong, my lungs felt awesome, and I felt like I could have kept running. What a difference a day can make.
Having inspiration beyond my own personal motives is helpful. My husband handed me a picture of Clare the other day after a particularly emotional breakdown. He told me to put it on the treadmill when I run. Glancing down at my baby girl's face helps when the minutes seem to slow. And it seems to be touching others, too. Today, as a woman walked by my treadmill she stopped and looked up at me. "I love your inspiration," she said, nodding at Clare's picture.