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  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    600. Apr 28, 2009 5:23 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

     

    The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave  the  shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake.

     

    At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

     

    VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

     

    Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

     

    "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

     

    Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.  Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

     

    BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

     

    Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Larrs appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he  pulls a chicken. Larson grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits  a rock and breaks his spine.

     

    Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting. . . and now Larson hengliding.....

     

     

  • RunDaddyRunx4 Legend 1,037 posts since
    May 12, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    602. Apr 28, 2009 10:01 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Nice mike,

     

     

    When we first moved out to the country my 8 year old then daughter kept pointing at the cows saying "Look daddy they are  playing piggyback again"  I did have the heart to explain, just smiled and said yep, they sure are.

     

     





  • Becky8846 Legend 686 posts since
    Apr 1, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    604. Apr 28, 2009 5:21 PM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

    city folk!  Y'all are killin' me!  Our daughter referred to our cows' antics as "jumping each other," and she knew that sometimes they were playing (like when the calves were doing it) and sometimes they were "hugging and kissing," which was her euphamism for ... well, you know ... even if no hugging or kissing were specifically involved.  She knew this was where babies came from and it only took one jump by the bull to a cow to get a calf 9 months later.   As we watched her on the farm and wondered if it was too much for a little kid, we decided that her notion of jumping = pregnancy might be just the thing for her to keep on thinking!  She pulled many calves and midwifed her share of kittens.  We all thought she'd be a vet, but she's at the Coast Guard Academy.  You do your best and hope they don't turn out weird!  So far - so good.

  • cplmtz0121 We're Not Worthy 2,455 posts since
    Nov 1, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    606. Apr 29, 2009 6:50 AM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

     

    The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.  For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'  The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.  The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab....................

    I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.





    Hard-charging motivating Devil Dog

  • cplmtz0121 We're Not Worthy 2,455 posts since
    Nov 1, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    607. Apr 29, 2009 6:50 AM (in response to cplmtz0121)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

    1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

    2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

    1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

    2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new

    Fangled warshin ' machines!'

    1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

    2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plu mmin'!'

    3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!

    I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found

    6 condoms in thar.'

    1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

    3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.'

     

     





    Hard-charging motivating Devil Dog

  • cplmtz0121 We're Not Worthy 2,455 posts since
    Nov 1, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    608. Apr 29, 2009 7:02 AM (in response to cplmtz0121)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Understanding Engineers: One

     

    Two engineering students, one pushing a bike, were walking across a university campus when the other said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"  The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,

    minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."  The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the

    clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

     

     

    Understanding Engineers: Two

     

    To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

     

     

    Understanding Engineers: Three

     

    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.  The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"  The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"  The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."  He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"  The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."  The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, " That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."  The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

     

    Understanding Engineers: Four

     

     

    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?  Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

     

     

    Understanding Engineers: Five

     

    The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"  The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"  The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"  The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

     

    Understanding Engineers: Six

     

    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.  Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

     

     

    Understanding Engineers: Seven

     

    An engineer was crossing the road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up

    again and said "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week."  The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want me to."

    Again the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.  Finally the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want me to.  Why won't you kiss me?"  The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

     

     





    Hard-charging motivating Devil Dog

  • dutch omi We're Not Worthy 5,642 posts since
    Jan 19, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    609. Apr 29, 2009 2:28 PM (in response to cplmtz0121)
    Re: Daily Humor

    used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

     

    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a  weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the  ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

     

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a  replacement.

     

    Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

     

    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

     

    Life is sexually transmitted.

     

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

     

    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

     

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of  nothing.

     

    Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days  no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

     

    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

     

    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to  criticism.

     

    In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is  weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

     

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole  box to start a campfire?

     

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze  these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

     

    Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat  the next thing that comes outta its butt.

     

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

     

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

     

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at  you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the  window?

     

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

     

  • cplmtz0121 We're Not Worthy 2,455 posts since
    Nov 1, 2007
    Currently Being Moderated
    610. Apr 30, 2009 9:20 AM (in response to dutch omi)
    Re: Daily Humor





    Hard-charging motivating Devil Dog

  • RunDaddyRunx4 Legend 1,037 posts since
    May 12, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    611. Apr 30, 2009 11:05 AM (in response to cplmtz0121)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Jesus,

     

     

    That is just hysterical.  Around here 2 elementary students have "possibly" contracted the swine flu and all schools have shut down for the week as well as some businesses such as museums.

     

     

     

     

     





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