Sorry this is the best I can do today.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2009 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE.
Definition: a **** that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several ***** slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all *****, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and **** proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Sometimes when sh!t happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a sh!t. Here are some sh!t definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...
Ghost Sh!t
You know you've sh!t. There's sh!t on the toilet paper, but no sh!t in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Sh!t
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of sh!t on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Sh!t
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your *** 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This sh!t leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Sh!t
You're all done wiping your *** and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Sh!t
This kind is the kind of sh!t that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Sh!t
You sh!t so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Sh!t
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Sh!t
This sh!t is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of sh!t usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Sh!t
This sh!t hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your *** wet.
Wish Sh!t
You sit there all cramped up and **** a few times, but no sh!t!
Cement Block or Oh God Sh!t
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you sh!t.
Snake Sh!t
This sh!t is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Sh!t (Also Known as Floater Sh!t)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This sh!t usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Sh!t (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your ******* stops burning.
Beer Drunk Sh!t
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your sh!t doesn't smell too bad, but this sh!t is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of sh!t also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle
The kind of sh!t that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in
The Bungee Sh!t
The kind of sh!t that just hangs off your *** before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Sh!t
The kind of sh!t where you eat really spicy food and your ******* feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler
The kind of sh!t where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber
The kind of sh!t that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Sh!tty Sh!tty Bang Bang
The kind of sh!t that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Sh!t
The king of sh!t that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
The Jack the Ripper Sh!t
The kind of sh!t that yanks out the hair of your *** as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper
The giant sh!t you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Sh!t
The kind of sh!t that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Sh!t
The kind of sh!t that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Sh!t
When you sit down, and **** for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a sh!t.
Oh Sh!t! Sh!t
You sh!t so much and wipe your *** so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SH!T!
The Never Ending Sh!t
It's the sh!t that keeps running out of your *** like pea, and just when you start wiping your *** your stomach gargles and splash, more sh!t runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Ouch That Hurt Sh!t
The type of sh!t that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.
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