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  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    660. May 14, 2009 5:19 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    BRAIN CRAMPS

     

     

    (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

    Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

     

     

    Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not

    live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,

    then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,

    which is why I would not live forever,"

    --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

     

     

    ``````````````````````````````````

     

     

    "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids

    all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love

    to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and

    death and stuff."

    --Mariah Carey

     

     

    ````````````

     

     

    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very

    important part of your life,"

    --Brooke Shields, during an inte! rview to become

    Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

     

     

    `````````````````````````````````````````````````

     

     

    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part

    of my body,"

    --Winston Bennett,

    University of Kentucky basketball forward .

     

     

    `````````````````````````````````````````````

     

     

    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the

    lowest crime rates in the country,"

    --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

     

     

    `````````````````````````````

     

     

    "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through

    our papers. We are the president."

    -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of

    subpoenaed documents.

     

     

    ````````````````````````````````````````````````````

     

     

    "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death

    by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

    --A congressional candidate in Texas.

     

     

    ````````````````````````````

     

     

    "Half this game is ninety percent mental."

    --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

     

     

    ``````````````````````````````````

     

     

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's

    the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

    --Al Gore, Vice President

    And . .

    "We are ready for an unforeseen event that

    may or may not occur."

    --Al Gore, VP

     

     

    ```````````````````

     

     

    "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

    --Dan Quayle

     

     

    ``````````

     

     

    "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much

    clean air do we need?"

    --Lee Iacocca

     

     

    ```````````

     

     

    "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A

    genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

    --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

     

     

    ````````````````````````````````````````````

     

     

    "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude

    certain types of people."

    --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

     

     

    `````````````````````````````````

     

     

    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

    --Bill Clinton, President

     

     

    ````````````````

     

     

    "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come

    from overseas."

    --Keppel Enderbery

     

     

    ````````````````

     

     

    "Your food stamps will be stopped effective

    March 1992 because we received notice that

    you passed away. May God bless you. You may

    reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

     

     

    ````````````````````````````````````````````

     

     

    "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack

    in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their

    heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when

    they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

    --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

     

     

  • RunDaddyRunx4 Legend 1,037 posts since
    May 12, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    661. May 14, 2009 5:25 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor
    Charlie!2 wrote:

     

    TEST FOR DEMENTIA

     

    Thanks Charlie for a great start of my day. I got 2 out of 5 right. Now I feel pretty stupid.

     

     

     

     

     

    Mike, if you are reading this, go to the main message board, there's one for you.





  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    663. May 15, 2009 3:23 AM (in response to runnerJ824)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Nudist Colony Rules

     

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he

    takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite

    blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman

    notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for

    me?"

     

     

    The man replies "No, what do you mean?"

     

     

    She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that If you get an erection it implies you called for me."

     

     

    Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on A towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

     

     

    The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the Sauna and as he sits down, he fa!rts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers

    out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

     

     

    "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

     

     

    "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fa!rt, It implies that you called for me."

     

     

    The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has His way with him.

     

     

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted By the smiling, naked receptionist.

     

     

    "May I help you?" she says.

     

     

    The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back And you can keep the $500 fee."

     

     

    "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

     

     

    The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old, I only get an Erection once a month, but I fa!rt 15 times a day! I'm outta here!

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    664. May 15, 2009 3:27 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    A Smart Blonde Joke!

     

     

     

     

     

    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

     

     

    The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

     

    The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

     

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

     

    The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

     

     

  • badgergrl Legend 738 posts since
    Jan 17, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    666. May 17, 2009 4:11 PM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Q: Doctor, I've heard

    that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

    A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it ...  don't

    waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up

    your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can

    extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?

    Take a nap. 

     

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and

    corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than

    an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.   Need

    grain?   Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green

    leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended

    daily allowance of vegetable products.

     

    Q: Should I reduce my  alcohol intake? 

    A:  No, not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is distilled

    wine, that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you get

    even more of the goodness that way.   Beer is also made out of grain.

    Bottoms up!

     

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.

    If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

     

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a

    regular exercise program?

    A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is:

    No Pain...Good!

     

    Q:

    Aren't fried foods bad for you? 

    A:  YOU'RE  NOT

    LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In

    fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be

    bad for you? 

     

    Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

    A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.

    You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 

     

    Q:  Is chocolate bad for me? 

    A:  Are you crazy? HELLO  Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the

    best feel-good food around!

     

    Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 

    A:  If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

     

    Q:  Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

    A:  Hey!  'Round' is a shape! 

     

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had

    about food and diets.   

     

     

     

    AND.....

     

    For those of you who

    watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's

    a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional

    studies. 

     

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat

     

     

    and suffer fewer

    heart attacks than

     

     

    AMERICANS

     

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of  fat

    and suffer fewer heart attacks than AMERICANS.

     

    3. The Chinese  drink very little red wine

    and  suffer fewer heart attacks than AMERICANS.

     

    4. The  Italians drink a lot of red wine

    and suffer fewer heart attacks than AMERICANS. 

     

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats

    and suffer fewer heart attacks than

     

     

    AMERICANS.

     

    CONCLUSION

     

    Eat and drink what you like.

    Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

     

     

  • Immer treu We're Not Worthy 5,202 posts since
    Jan 23, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    667. May 17, 2009 4:20 PM (in response to badgergrl)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

     

     

     

     

     

    Mark Twain

     

     

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    668. May 18, 2009 6:23 AM (in response to Immer treu)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    **A young engineer was leaving the office at 6:00 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

     

     

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    669. May 18, 2009 6:27 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    You're An EXTREME Redneck When....

     

     

    1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in

    front of her kids.

     

     

    2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how

    much  gas is in it.

     

     

    3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

     

     

    4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different

    night.

     

     

    5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

     

     

    6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch

    this."

     

     

    7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

     

     

    8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

     

     

    9. Your junior prom offered day care.

     

     

    10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are

    "Gentlemen, start your engines."

     

     

    11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off

    it's wheels.

     

     

    12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your

    spouse.

     

     

    13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

     

     

    14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

     

     

    15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at

    the House of Tattoos.

     

     

    16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law

    against it.

     

     

    17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

     

     

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    670. May 18, 2009 6:29 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Little Leroy

     

     

    Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

     

     

    Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

     

     

    Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

     

     

    Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

     

     

    LETTER 1:

     

     

    Dear God:

     

     

    I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

     

     

    Your friend, Leroy

     

     

    Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

     

     

    LETTER 2:

     

     

    Dear God:

     

     

    This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

     

     

    Thank you, Leroy

     

     

    Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

     

     

    LETTER 3:

     

     

    Dear God:

     

     

    I have been an OK boy this year and I would really  like a red bike for my birthday.

     

     

    Leroy

     

     

    Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.

     

     

    LETTER 4:

     

     

    Dear God:

     

     

    I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

     

     

    Thank you, Leroy

     

     

    Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset.. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

     

     

    Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

     

     

    Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.

    He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.  Leroy began to write his letter to God.

     

     

    LETTER 5:

     

     

    I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

     

     

    Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

     

     

  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    671. May 19, 2009 9:23 PM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

    An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

     

    "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

     

    They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

     

    He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

     

    The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

     

    The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."

  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    672. May 19, 2009 9:28 PM (in response to runnerJ824)
    Re: Daily Humor

    A Love Story

     

    I shall seek and find you.

     

    I shall take you to bed and control you.

     

    I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.

     

    I will make you beg for mercy.

     

    I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

     

    And you will be weak for days.

     

     

     

    All my love,

     

     

     

     

    The Flu

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    673. May 20, 2009 3:04 AM (in response to runnerJ824)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Sounds like me today!

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    674. May 20, 2009 3:06 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

    One Question IQ Test

     

    Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

     

    There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action

    of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the

    shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

     

    Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses,

    how should he express himself?

     

    Think about it first before looking down for the answer...

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

     

    If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

     

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