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164159 Views 749 Replies Latest reply: Sep 16, 2011 1:06 PM by runnerJ824 RSS Go to original post 1 ... 44 45 46 47 48 ... 50 Previous Next
  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    675. May 20, 2009 3:07 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Canadian Scientists, after a lengthy study, have discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

     

     

    Don't bother taking it off, it's too late.....

     

     

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    676. May 20, 2009 3:08 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    The Old Poodle

     

     

     

    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

     

     

     

    One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

     

     

     

    The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"  Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is

    about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

     

     

     

    Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.  "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

     

     

     

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard

     

     

     

    The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

     

     

     

    Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen

    them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that **** monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

     

     

     

    Moral of this story..

     

     

     

    Don't mess with old *****...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

     

     

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    677. May 21, 2009 3:43 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    A Priest, get me a Priest!

     

     

     

     

     

    A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers.

     

     

    "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

     

     

    Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd.

     

     

    A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" 

     

     

    Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man." 

     

     

    The policeman agrees, and clears the crowd so the man can get through to where the injured man lay.

     

     

    The old Jewish man kneels down, leans over the prostrate man and says in a solemn voice:

     

     

    "B-4, I-19, N-38, G-54, O-72"

     

     

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    678. May 21, 2009 3:45 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    $5000 or $150?

     

     

     

     

     

    A man, his wife and his cranky mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

     

     

    The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.

     

     

    The man thought about it for awhile and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home.

     

     

    The undertaker asked, "Why....why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?"

     

     

    The man said, "A man died here about 2000 years ago. He was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

     

     

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    679. May 21, 2009 3:47 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

    To be 6 again.

     

    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning

    back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

     

    Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have

    for her birthday.

     

    I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

     

    On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big

    bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

     

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was

    reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a

    McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a

    chocolate shake Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and

    her favorite candy, M&M's.

     

    What a fabulous adventure!

     

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed

    exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my dress size, you idiot!

     

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

  • dutch omi We're Not Worthy 5,642 posts since
    Jan 19, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    680. May 21, 2009 5:22 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

    You're dead on, Charlie.

  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    681. May 21, 2009 10:11 PM (in response to dutch omi)
    Re: Daily Humor

    One day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

     

    God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

     

    So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

     

    The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

     

    But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

     

    God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

     

    The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    682. May 21, 2009 10:17 PM (in response to runnerJ824)
    Re: Daily Humor

    A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'

     

    So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the

    party run to the pool to see what has happened.

     

    In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

     

    The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

     

    The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the person that pushed me in?!'

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    683. May 22, 2009 3:15 AM (in response to runnerJ824)
    Re: Daily Humor

     

    Who's Going To Tell?

     

    A  little  boy  comes  down  to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

     

     

    "Not yet," said the little boy.

     

    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

     

    Well, he's a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.  He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.  He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.  He  goes  back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

     

     

    "How  come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

     

     

    "Well,"  his  mother  says,  "I  saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get  any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't  get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

     

     

    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

     

     

    The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:

     

    "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

     

     

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    684. May 22, 2009 3:19 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Darn Cat

    You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...

     

    A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.

    They turned on a night light, turned on the phone answering machine,

    covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

     

    They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi

    arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The

    cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

     

    They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to

    eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes

    inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

     

    Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house

    will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her

    husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to

    my mother."

     

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab."Sorry I took so

    long", he says as they drive away. "Stupid b!tch was hiding under the

    bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She

    tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her

    in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled

    her fat "a--" downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

     

     

     

    The cabdriver hit a parked car...

  • Charlie!2 Legend 1,128 posts since
    Jan 21, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    685. May 22, 2009 6:09 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

    The Farmer and Attorney

     

     

     

     

     

    A lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

     

    The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

     

    The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

     

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the North Dakota Three Kick Rule."

     

    The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

     

    The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

     

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

     

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work

    boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

     

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

     

    Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

     

     

     

    I love this part....

     

     

     

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

  • dutch omi We're Not Worthy 5,642 posts since
    Jan 19, 2008
    Currently Being Moderated
    686. May 22, 2009 4:58 AM (in response to Charlie!2)
    Re: Daily Humor

    Yes, I did love this one.

  • runnerJ824 Pro 168 posts since
    Mar 19, 2009
    Currently Being Moderated
    689. May 26, 2009 9:07 PM (in response to MikeDaMarine08)
    Re: Daily Humor

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists… Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!”

     

    The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

     

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

    The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

     

    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

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